TWO PART SURVIVOR INTERVIEW w/ CRYSTAL IRIS

At A New Me Foundation, Inc., we are so thankful for the beautiful "Crystal Iris" spirit and how she jumped on board to share her testimonies as a survivor of domestic violence and rape, in hopes to help others.  We encourage our readers to break their silence and heal from reading the testimonies of hers.  Be mindful it is not an easy journey to recall traumatic situations from our past, but we are thankful to SURVIVORS like "Crystal Iris" who share with us the most intimate parts of her past.  God bless you as you read this interview and please feel free to share it with others.  Given the sensitivity and nature of the topics disclosed in this interview, if you would like to post or share your testimony privately, please email me (Felicia T. Simpson) at anewmef@gmail.com for further discussion and resources towards healing.



Domestic Violence Interview Questions:

1.) Briefly give us some background information on who Crystal is.

Hmmmm...I am the oldest of 3 children, raised in a two parent home. I graduated from National-Louis University in 2011. I’ve experienced a bunch of difficult life challenges at a young age such as domestic violence, rape, molestation and bad relationships that could have ruined me. Thankfully, I am now a life coach, motivational speaker, founder of Hey G.U.R.A.L and a few months away from completing my MBA degree from Concordia University. I love spending time with family and friends. I love traveling and anything that gives me an adrenaline rush! I live life with excitement and positivity to the best of my ability.

2.) Describe for us what you went through as a victim of domestic violence at a young age of 17 up until your last domestic violence relationship at the age of 22.

17 I was so in love with a guy I had been friends with since sophomore year of high school. It was my first time in the dating ring and everything was perfect for about a year. It became bad when I was getting ready to go away for college. I was being isolated from family and friends by making me feel guilty for wanting to be with them. I couldn’t have male friends that he didn’t know. He would bite, grab my mouth, pinch, just silly things to make me angry or start arguments to frustrate me, questioned me about social media friends, call family members when I didn’t answer the phone. We eventually broke up and got back together about a year and a half later to two years when I left school and went back home. The second time we dated was worst than the first time we dated. We constantly argued, the leg hits, bites and pinches became worst. The turning point was a public altercation in my school’s parking lot because he accused me of cheating. I ended up with bruises and scratches on my arms and around my face because he grabbed me so hard when I tried to get away to go to class.

At the age of 22 I was in a relationship with a guy who was at this point the best boyfriend I had. He was great for the majority of the time but he was very emotional. He would go from being extremely sad and throwing tantrums, all types of emotional fits for little issues. At this point I was pretty tough emotionally, having gone through several emotionally trying relationships so I had a lot of patience with him because I thought maybe I wasn’t sensitive enough (lol). One day he had made such a big deal out of nothing that I became irritated. He wanted me to tell him how I felt about him, but I couldn’t give him the “correct” answer according to him because I was already irritated so I had just stopped talking about it and pretty much ignoring him because the conversation was going no where. I asked for him to take me home. He wanted me to repeat myself, and as I attempted to repeat myself he slapped me. I couldn’t believe it because he was so soft. I didn’t see him ever doing that to me. I was so shocked I couldn’t do anything but get out of the car and walk home as fast as I could with him following behind me. I just had to get home because I knew if I had touched him, my rage would have taken over. (View the full 3 Part Story at www.heyGURALonline.com/blog)

3.) Being a survivor of domestic violence, tell our viewers some warning signs if any, that you saw in the beginning of those relationships.

Some of the warning signs were isolation from family and friends by making me feel guilty about spending time with them and not enough time with him. Control, keeping tabs of the money I spent, jealousy, wanting access to all social media outlets, searching through cell phone, questioning my friends (especially male friends), down-playing my career goals, being manipulative, play fighting, pinching in places that hurt and telling me that it doesn’t hurt, emotional fits, throwing tantrums, sad and angry, just way too emotional.

4.) Do you feel that teen and young adult dating violence is not serious to the youth in today's society? Why or why not?

It is serious to the population of young adults who are educated about dating violence. Those who are not educated about dating violence, or those who have witnessed dating violence in the home do not have a sense of caution in their relationships because they are confused about what love is.

Facts regarding sexual assault/rape:

*Every 2 minutes, someone in the US is sexually assaulted

* 1 in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted by the age of 18

* 1 in 6 women have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime

*Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes in, with 60% still being left unreported

* National Sexual Assault Hotline is (800) 656- 4673 they provide resources for rape, abuse and incest cases.

Sexual Assault/Rape Interview Questions:

1.) At the age of 19, tell us what happened the night you were raped.

I went to my former university to visit my friends and boyfriend at the time for a campus party. We were at my boyfriend’s house pre-gaming before the start of the party. I do not remember drinking that much because I was a new drinker but whatever the case was we left and went over to the campus party. By the time we got there I was so intoxicated that I could barely walk. I found a corner to sit in until my friends found me. We left, I remember us going to McDonald’s drive-thru because they thought if I ate I would feel better, but that didn’t work. We made it back to the house where we pre-gamed (because my boyfriend lived there) and I couldn’t hold the burger they bought. I was extremely weak, emotional, I could barely see. I remember my friends and boyfriend carrying me down to his room so that I could lay down. I remember puking and him hitting me upside my head because of it. That’s all I remember until I woke up with him anally raping me. I tried screaming, but the music was loud, I remember trying to fight but I was too weak. Then he forced me to do other “favors” he would ask about but always declined...he completely took advantage of the opportunity. The next morning he said, “You did it” and all I could say was, “Does that mean I ate shit?” I put my clothes on, went to say bye to my friends and drove home as if nothing happened.

2.) Have you forgiven him? Why or why not?

You know what? I thought I forgave him, but No I do not forgive him and I don’t think that’s my responsibility to do so. Am I bitter? Not at all and in all honesty I wish him no harm and I pray that God forgives him and has mercy on him. Every time I’m in a familiar situation I have a trigger that causes a reaction. I cannot be in secluded areas, I hate to feel trapped, I don’t like parties with a bunch of people who I do not know because I become paranoid. I don’t sleep very well at night and when I speak about it I get pissed off all over again. No, I do not forgive him. The way that I found enough peace from the situation to move forward and not be bitter was to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for ever thinking it was my fault that I was assaulted and forgive myself for “loving” him so much that I forgot what love for self was.

3.) At that time, did you ever think it was your fault?

Yes, I did. For years I thought it was my fault and that was the reason I said nothing about it until years later.

4.) What was your emotional support system like?

Secretly, my mother’s voice was the only emotional support I had. I suffered in silence so no one knew about the violation but me for a long while. I was home for the semester and although she didn’t know what was going on she comforted me. Also, being back in the home environment and keeping my vision of success in the forefront of my mind is what kept me sane and focused on becoming more than a victim, a survivor.

5.) Today, what could you tell someone who has been raped by a lover, friend or stranger to help them heal from the past just as you did?

I don’t consider myself healed yet, but I am healing. That is something that I am working towards but I don’t think we could ever fully heal from a situation because our story is something that stays with us. Life experiences give us record keeping lessons to carry with us throughout our lives to prevent situations from happening again, to us and others as well. If I could give any advice to someone in the same situation it would be to know that your story is not your own. We have to keep living because we were meant to live! Speak LIFE into your life, stay positive and know that there is better coming. God doesn’t make any mistakes. Use the experience as a lesson because there is a purpose to everything. We may not know the purpose or understand such a horrible act, but soon enough it will be revealed and that experience will simply be a story for you to share and to use to help support someone else in the same situation. I encourage to seek a support system, know that it was never your fault and don’t be afraid to speak out about it. I believe that speaking out is what helps me accept the circumstance because it gives a platform for others to feel comfortable with speaking to me about their situations. It really comes down to supporting each other.

6.) How as a community, can we break the silence of domestic violence, rape, sexual assaults and incest?

As a community we need to educate, collaborate and initiate. There is so much of this going on and so many who are suffering in silence that we have to come together in big numbers to make a difference. We can start campaigns, go out and speak to the youth and adults about the issue and make a difference that way but we have to make a BIG impact so it will take collaborations of different organizations.

7.) Please give our readers ways to get in contact with Crystal Iris and Hey G.U.R.A.L.

For Hey GURAL you can reach me personally by phone at 708-928-9890, you can email Hey GURAL at heyguralz@aol.com, visit our website www.heyGURALonline.com, Like the Facebook Pages Hey G.U.R.A.L NMC and Crystal Iris, CPC, Twitter @HeyGURAL and @Crystalirislife

Domestic Violence: Economic Abuse

Some people either can't believe this form of abuse exists, to ashamed to admit that they've been economically/financially abused and others just ignore it.  Whatever the case, let us discuss it:

Economic abuse is when an intimate partner controls your access to resources through the following:

• transportation
• money
• food
• clothing
• shelter
• harassment/stalking you at work 
• threatening your coworkers, boss, etc
• disrupting work/school opportunities
• steals money from you 

Tips for victims that's economically abused:

• Even though you are working ...... THERE'S HELP FOR YOU OUT THERE.  Consider applying for public aid for emergency food stamps and cash assistance.

• You can seek or apply for child support payments.  The father of your children is legally responsible for them.  Talk to a lawyer to see what's best for you and your children to SURVIVE!!!!

• File for Crime Victim Compensation if you have been beaten and incurred medical bills and lost wages due to the crime.

• FIND A NEW HOME, JOB, DAYCARE, etc.!!!!!!!!

Whatever you are going through financially, there are available resources out there for you and your children.  Be SAFE and know that God is with you every step of the way!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. 

Honore de Balzac, author 

If you're a mom, you're probably up answering all of the beautiful text messages, tweets, Facebook messages, phone calls, etc from loved ones, wishing you a Happy Mother's Day (so am I, you're not alone).  Being a mother is a SPECIAL gift in and of itself in various and sometimes strange ways.  Strange because for most of us, motherhood has changed our perspectives on life.  We stop thinking about ourselves ALL of the time and now share our hearts with our beautiful children.  

To the mother's whose celebrating their 1st Mother's Day today, get ready, get ready, get ready, to have an awesome experience of your life!  With hand written cards created by your toddler at a later date, roses, cards and balloons from your teen (asking to borrow your car, give them spending money to go out with their friends, yes I know, it's your day, but that means nothing to teens LOL).  Moms this is a great opportunity for your teens to do those chores you just don't feel like doing and please use, "It's Mother's Day, I'm OFF", and onto watching your once bundle of joy become an adult and also a parent.  

Mother's have always been pillars of our communities since the beginning.  Look at our beautiful first mother, Eve,  that was created in the midst of God's garden.  Let us not forget our ancestors and our living elders, from the great great great grannies to our granny on this day, who have passed down many family traditions to us all.  

We are blessed to be mothers and share an unlimited bond of sisterhood between us.  Today, enjoy your day, kiss and hug your kids, no matter their age.  Check on our elderly moms.  Let the word of the Lord plant seeds of peace, strength and courage inside of you as you sit in the church pews today (say a prayer for me too).  

Whatever you do today, ENJOY IT, after all it's YOUR day!!!!!!

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Going through Seasons

Earlier, I posted a status on my Facebook page about going through seasons of increase as well as  decrease.  Sometimes in life your harvest will be plenty and sometimes you feel like God has led you into the wilderness.  Sometimes He has, think of all of the biblical encounters in the wilderness.  That was where God fed His children the Word, and I believe He still provides us with the Bread of Life in the wilderness today.

When you're so busy doing positive things in your life and in the lives of others, you sometimes don't recognize the obvious wilderness that could be your current season.  If you study the word of God like I do, He commands us to be content in any season.  I like the analogy of the four seasons (spring, summer, fall and winter).  With each season, NEW things unfold and BAD/UNHEALTHY things wash or fade away.  

For the Spring, I believe, God prepares you for what's to come.  That's when you nurture your gifts and talents.  Start the rehearsals, change closet clothes around, plant gardens, dusts, do a little or a lot for some of us, what they call "spring cleaning" in our homes as well as in our personal lives.  In the Spring, we break out new vision boards and speak life into new goals and dreams for our families and careers.  You basically get ready, for what lies ahead.

Now the Summertime is tricky, to me at least.  In the summer, we get a little relaxed or comfortable.  Since we've planted and prepared ourselves in the Spring, we feel the need to relax, right and watch our harvest grow?  NO, NO, and chile NO.  See the summer time is also the devil's busiest season.  Too many people relaxing and not fully dressed in their spiritual armor and guess what?  He loves that and ATTACKS you from every angle.  See in the summer time, the atmosphere is moving and shaking and those things that look pretty at first sight such as the beginning of a toxic relationship pretending to be a healthy one, a job offer that looks good on paper but eventually will tear you away from your family if you take it, etc.     Those kinds of things, appear, for a lack of better words, in the summertime.  If we are not connected to the Source in the summertime, the things we planted in our lives back in the Spring, will be destroyed.  If you live in Chicago, this is the deadliest season for homicides amongst our youth.  I ask you to take notice of the many earthquakes, tsunami's, volcano eruptions and hurricanes.  Those all happen in the summertime early fall months.  Reading this book, 7 Days of Atonement by Steve Munsey helped point that out to me.  Physical science obviously, is shifting in the Earth and galaxy during the summertime and mankind better pay attention.  

Next up we have the Fall season.  This is the time where we gather what we've grown in the previous seasons and get ready to bring inside to prepare for the winter.  We usually have our last family gatherings together.  Kids go back to school.  The workloads increase because everyone is back from vacation, which results to longer hours at the gig and more time away from families.  We are starting our savings over from spending all of it traveling and having the latest fashions and accessories for our vacations.  Fall season to me is the getting things back in order time.  So you see the enemy will lurk around you, but he won't bother you as much.  He'll purposely let you rebuild to wait for the appropiate moment to attack, kill and destroy you.  Just when you've had enough of this back and forth relationship between you and the enemy and you're ready to throw in the towel, the Potter begins to respin His wheel of your life and gives you strength and grace to keep going forward, into the next season......

Finally, we have arrived at Winter.  Winter is to me, the best time that we hear from God.  Why because the weather sometimes forces us to and other times, there's not too much to distract us in the winter time.  We've survived hell all through out the previous seasons and God has watched and saved us, even now in the winter.  During this time, you see those extra pounds showing up on your body and you begin working out.  That toxic relationship was over at the end of summer, but it took you all of the fall to get over it and now in the winter, you decide it's time to move on.  That job you just had to have is NOT working out and you began putting your resume out there, again.   All of these things are done behind the scenes, I want to add even more, because you decided to finally listen to God and move to the drum of His beat.  Sometimes God have to work on you in PRIVATE in order for things to manifest in public on your behalf.  In the winter is when everything is covered in snow or dried up bearing no fruit.  If you are wise, you will reap what you have sown in the winter and become bff's with the winter.  Once the seasons reoccur after the winter, watch and see and mark my words, you WILL see new beginnings again and this time, you will appreciate them more and nurture them more. 

I used the analology of seasons to help you identify which season you are in currently.  Although it is spring time now, you could be in a winter season.  But whatever season you're in, know that God has a plan that He will carry you through it and bring you out of it, better than ever.

Be blessed!

You've Come too Far .... to be Defeated by Rainy Days

Sunny days and rainy days have somethings that we all need to continue to push forward on days that we want to throw in the towel.  I encourage each of you to use this metaphor somehow and began a NEW life towards your dreams and goals while helping others pursue theirs.

Life for most of us is sunny, with minor tweaks and adjustments, our lives would be a ray of sunshine all of the time.  Now there's some days that it drizzles.  Those drizzle days are small setups or tests to see if you are prepared for that storm that's headed your way.  Car won't start?  Left your wallet or phone at home?  iPhone carriers, drop your phone and the screen cracks?  Oh chile, those are the drizzle days.  I believe that those of us who have a calling on our lives (we all do), the storms of life feel as though they were meant to take us O-U-T!  It amazes me to see people, including myself, that a situation that should have killed us or defeated us, DIDN'T!!!!! Instead, we are still walking around, creating atmospheres of peace, healing, deliverance and victory in our lives as well as in others.

Ok now that we have an understanding of the drizzle days, let's move on towards those rainy days...

That statement that says, WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS, is a perfect way to describe these particular days we experience. All hell breaks loose in your life, all at the same time, the enemy comes in like a flood in your life and you feel like what else could wrong?  Hell breaking loose such as your business isn't where you want it nor do you see the funds to continue to operate it at a full capacity, a child of yours is in trouble (as usual), your spouse just left you, that People's Gas bill is due at the same time the rent/mortgage, car note and cable bills are due, but you only have $50 in cash that has to lasts you a few more days.  Oh please believe me, robbing Peter to pay Paul is present in our lives.  Some of us are one paycheck away from poverty.   On those rainy days, you say "Lord, I can't take it anymore, You have to do something!"  God, hears you and sees what you're going through, those sounds of thunder you hear, is the mighty sounds of God preparing YOUR breakthrough.  He's drowning and removing those toxic things and people in your life.  Just as he did for Noah and building that ark.  You have to listen for God's instructions on the rainy days and trust that when the sun shines again, He'll say, "Good, thy faithful servant, I knew you can make it."  The thunder and lightening I believe is how He shakes up and alter what was present in your life and creates a NEW day of sunshine of strength and courage that you didn't even know you had.  Most people want to just stay in and sleep whenever it rains (I'm so guilty of this too), see that to me, is a set up from satan.  He wants you to feel so comfortable in your storms and not push forward or persevere.  The enemy knows the plans God have for your life and trust and believe me, he roams around the earth looking for ways to defeat you, kill your dreams, tarnish your morals, steal your husbands joy in your marriage, create chaos in your business by robbing it of the financial resources you need to sustain it.  Fear not child of God, go through that storm on that rainy day and speak the Word over your life, to the enemy and God told us that when we speak the Word, the devil has to flee!

Finally, enjoy the rainy days because I also believe that that's when God is watering the seeds He's planted in you and is awaiting to see your growth and to see you carry out, what He created you for.  Most of the time, we have to experience rainy days in order to hear from God and BE STILL long enough to hear His voice.  I pray that you open your spiritual eyes and acknowledge on your rainy days that God is working on your behalf against the plans of the devil so be patient.  After all, He created YOU and the world so He knows how to fix EVERYTHING!  Just be patient.  You've come too far to be defeated by rainy days.... get ready, the sun will shine again!

Are You A Karla? (Short Story)

Lightening and thundering were the melodious sounds outside of Karla Monroe’s windows.  She was sound asleep and oblivious to the sounds of God’s master plans happening in her neighborhood.  It’s amazing to see how God blesses us sometimes with sunshine and at other times, He will allow floods of rain to impose in our lives.

In the heart of Washington, DC where on any given day, Congress could be creating new gun laws or the President of the United States could simply be taking a stroll in the Rose Garden meditating on how to end the latest war over in the Middle East. 

Karla had been a native of the legendary district since 1976.  As a child, Karla grew up in a two parent household of a middle class status and had a pet goldfish that she called Milan.  Milan the goldfish became Karla’s best friend because she wasn’t allowed to go outside too often with her classmates.  Her parents were very strict, mainly her dad for reasons unbeknownst to Karla at the time. 

She was pretty much like most women her age, focused in her career and on the rise to a life filled with loneliness if she didn’t settle down and marry, soon.  Marriage was the furthest thing from Karla’s mind at the age of thirty seven years old, and living in the free world’s capital.  Karla had not been married before but she wasn’t celibate at all towards the local gentlemen that she repeatedly slept with at her disposal.   Karla philosophy was to obtain pleasure and send the men home begging for more of her while she continuously climbed the success ladder.  After all, who needs a man hanging around all the time when a maintenance man got the same jobs done but only quicker.    

Karla suddenly woke up.  She had been dreaming of another cup full of romantic endeavors that her and latest, very much married beaux, Marcus Kleen.  Now Marcus was of the elite.  He was a very wealthy congressman and where there’s wealth, there’s always some kind infidelity involved too.  They met a campaign regarding the upcoming United States violence prevention strategies.  His skin was glowing of fleshly caramel.  They were introduced and instantly a shock of temptation ran through both of their bodies.  Months later, the two met for secret romantic getaways, Marcus spoiled Karla with luxury gifts and elite memberships.  She longed to be near him all of the time.  His precious wife was so naïve and only looked the perfect part on paper.  Marcus like most married and cheating men, kept the wife at home and the mistress out in the public with him. 

Karla didn’t mind her enhanced lifestyle one bit.  She didn’t check her morality one bit when she got mean stares from other women that crossed her paths or the men who assumed she would give them the same pleasures as that of Marcus Kleen.  She rarely discussed her involvement with Marcus with anyone not even her longtime friend, Kenzu Muhammad.  Kenzu often gave her spiritual advise which mean t to her basically that her sins were giving her a first class ticket to hell if she didn’t release the toxin Marcus Kleen.  Karla adored Kenzu.  He was more like her brother than her best friend.  They were next door neighbors since birth.  They shared a bond closer than anyone she knew of. 

Now Kenzu wasn’t your average Joe either.  His mane was loc’d and he was always the center of attention for the ladies when he walked in a room.  No one met his spiritual standards enough to become his leading lady let alone virtuous wife.  He dated casually but by the time the night ended, he knew there wouldn’t be a second or third date to follow with the women.  Karla teased him all the time about being too stiff and picky when it comes to women.  He always called her a heathen and then they would carry on as usual plotting their next professional and personal endeavors. 

Marcus wasn’t too kind to Kenzu whenever they were in the same room.  The universe often shifted and gave men some type of intuition, the same as it gives to women.  Marcus felt inferior of Kenzu, Kenzu smelled it and used it to his advantage to capture a dog in heat, every time.  Kenzu knew that Marcus had no kind of genuine feelings or real plans of commitment with Karla other than in an intimate setting.  Anybody except Karla could see that Marcus was just being the typical man in power and needed his ego stroked by other women instead of from his wife.  Needless to say, Kenzu avoided Marcus as much as he could.  He hated to see his friend in such a disrespectful stage towards herself and she does not see the damages she will soon be causing herself and those affected by her choices.  As her friend, he does the best that he can under the circumstances, for now.

Karla began to unravel the covers and grabbed her phone and danced over to her favorite spot in her bedroom.  She checked her emails and text messages that could’ve came in throughout the night.  There’s one text from Marcus asking her to meet him at their usual café for bagels and coffee before both of their workdays began.  She tossed her phone on her bed in an expeditious way that made her spine tingle at the thought of her flirtatious manners her and Marcus will have under the tablecloths at the café.

Upon Karla’s arrival at the café, exactly five minutes earlier than Marcus, she couldn’t help notice the change in the scenery for what would usually be the morning rush, this morning, no one was there but her.  She figured Marcus must have wanted her all to himself.  He was indeed the hopeless romantic she fell in love with.  The door swung open and gracefully walked in a woman with a stallion-like built physic.  She walked straight over to Karla’s cozy table in the corner and sized her up once that gave her the message clearly that she was Marcus Kleen’s WIFE and that Karla’s existence in his life would no longer exists after this exchange between the two women.  For reassurance, Marcus wife looked at Karla with an intense facial expression, placed a knife on the table and walked away smoothly and out of the café.

Nervously, Karla dialed Kenzu and discussed the details of what just happened.  She questioned if Marcus set her up, did his wife carry this mission out of isolating her the one thing she knew was that, her secret relationship with Marcus was OVER.  Instead of Kenzu blaming her for her actions he met her at her house and sat with Karla for hours until she could relax her mind and wrap her mind of the fact that she now has to make healthier choices in her relationships with men.  A man will only do what you allow him to do to you.  Karla morality didn’t get tainted once she met Marcus Kleen, it started from a source deeper than that.  Now it’s time for Karla to find that deeper source or her cycle of dysfunctional relationships will continue.  She must confront her past and began to start her healing process.  People want the results of healing but shy away or discourage themselves against the process it takes to fully heal from our past.  As Karla, most women are angry and hurt by someone or something in their past and their current behaviors reflect that.  Until you conquer the fears, guilt, blame, hurt of the past, you can NEVER move forward.  Your life and pores will reek of destruction.  Reeks of destructions that will lead to social and economic injustices, lack of wisdom and discernment to know who is using you, how you’re hurting others as well as yourself.  Moving forward is a reward of some type of action step or series of steps that you’ve taken towards an objective or goal.  Learn from this short story about Karla’s life that could have cost her everything, including her self worth and make necessary steps changing your life and the people you select as partners to enhance your life and not destroy it.

Be blessed!!!!