GUEST BLOGGER: DANIELLE GRIFFIN

BEDTIME
Jason is failing in school. The 10 year old is very intelligent, and has a brilliant imagination, but he cannot focus or stay awake in class. His parents both are confused as to what caused his decline. He comes from a loving two parent home, he does his homework, the family goes to Church. What is causing this sudden change in behavior?

Jason’s bedroom is under the bedroom in the apartment upstairs, where his new neighbors have moved in. The new neighbors both smile and wave whenever they see him in the hallway or the parking lot. They look so happy, but Jason knows they are not. Jason hears the lady yell and curse at her husband, calling him stupid and trifling. Jason hears the man yell at his wife, telling her that she will never be anything, and that she is an ugly whore. They argue about money, about their kids, about the weather, about clothes, about EVERYTHING! Jason hears the bedroom furniture slam against the wall as they scream at each other. Jason hears this every night.
When he finally told his parents, they asked him did he ever hear the man hit the woman. “No.” “Well then,” his father said, patting his son on the back, “they are not abusing each other. They are just having little arguments. Now, don’t worry about them, and let’s get back to improving your grades in school.”

Jason knew that this was not a little argument. He knew that it was mean and hurtful to talk to someone like that. He told his school counselor, Miss Gwen, why he was sleeping in class, and she told him about emotional abuse. He told Miss Gwen that they were not abusing each other, because he never heard them hit each other. Miss Gwen explained that emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from constant criticisms and verbal attacks, to repeated disapproval or refusing to be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brain washing, it chips away at the victims self esteem, their self worth, it makes them feel bad about themselves; like they’ve done something wrong or bad to cause this treatment.

Miss Gwen told him that men and women can both be emotional abusers, and that it happens in all types of relationships- romantic like his neighbors, friendships, family, and in classrooms. Sometimes abusers constantly yell at the other person, they degrade and criticize them, they ignore the other person’s feelings, they have unpredictable mood swings, and they purposely humiliate their partner in public.
Jason heard his neighbors arguing, and it kept him up at night, because it made him wonder. They argued about their kids, did he make his parents argue about him? Did they hit each other? Did they hate each other? It made him feel sad to hear such mean words being said, such ugly phrases being yelled constantly. It made him anxious when it was bedtime, because he was afraid to get comfortable, because he knew the fighting was coming. It made him afraid of relationships.

Jason told Miss Gwen that he wanted to teach his parents about emotional abuse. Miss Gwen gave him a packet of information about domestic violence, and she encouraged him to read over it with his parents. In class, Jason told his teacher that he wanted to teach the other students about domestic violence. She told him that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and that he could create a presentation to inform his classmates. Jason shared his new knowledge with his parents, his classmates, and he even wrote his neighbors a letter. Soon after, their fighting stopped, and Jason could sleep in peace.

OCTOBER-DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

Join in with me this month of OCTOBER as I feature guest bloggers,authors, interviews with domestic violence victims and survivors and all other event updates as we approach DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH.

Please call into the 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-7233 to ask any questions and concerns you may have about domestic violence.

You can log onto my website link for events, suggested readings and my guest appearances all month on Blog Talk Radio.



I appreciate your support in advance this entire month as we all continue to help BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

A PURPLE RIBBON

As I prepare myself to partake in the month long activities for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October, I have to take a moment to reflect back to a time not so long ago. A time that like so many other women, I have experienced as well.

During this month, sure I'll wear my designer purple ribbon everyday as a symbol of my survival. But I have to dig deeper into my soul than that. That purple ribbon for me reflects the many sacrifices I've made during the time I was abused. It represents the scars and bruises I've endured inside and outside of my soul. You see, that purple ribbon I wear on my garments, hold a lot of power. I think about how many times I was one kick, slap or punch away from my transition into eternal life. Yes, I do have a relationship with God and believe wholeheartedly that He has a space big enough for my tiny soul, in heaven.

Words could never be uttered of how grateful I am that God kept me in His presence at that time in my life and even now. So I spend everyday of my life thanking Him by continuously striving to be a survivor of domestic violence and reaching out to other women and children who bear this burden, daily.

When I look at other women wearing those purple ribbons, I wonder what their testimonies are? Maybe they were once victims and now are victorious survivors. Could they be mothers, sisters or daughters of victims that were killed by their abusive partner or spouse? How about a dear friend of a victim or survivor? Whatever their reason(s) are, I am honored to share in their testimonies of raising awareness and one day our uplifted voices will break the silence of domestic violence!

As the song writer said, "Death couldn't shake me...." I look at my purple ribbon and others, it helps me know Who (God) won that battle against death. I can tell you, it wasn't easy, but when God placed me inside of my mother's womb, He had a plan that He spoke into existence, over my life. That plan included greatness and to have an abundance of joy in my life. So that huge attack that death tried to wipe me out with, God fought that battle for me and the beauty I got from those ashes, were wrapped in a small package. That small package was a silk purple ribbon that symbolizes how my God and yours, is Greater than anything this world has to offer or tries to take from you and me.

I pray that as you enter into Domestic Violence Awareness Month you will support your community by doing something to help break the silence of domestic violence. Donate your time to different shelters where women and their children have been housed to allow them to dwell in a safe haven. Donate those clothes and shoes you've boxed and bagged up months ago to give away, to those shelters. Say a prayer for victims and survivors of domestic violence. Whatever you decide to do, it will impact a society that is hurting from a silent crime. Needless to say, don't start nor stop your support during Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Start now and continue to help in the fight to break the silence.

On behalf of all of us that wear our purple ribbons, we thank you in advance for your support!

ONE UGLY WORD........DIVORCE!!

Wow, can you believe it? I said the word that no one likes to hear especially married couples....DIVORCE!! Yes, it is a dreadful word and at times, a difficult experience for some people. I honestly believe that God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. You might want to consider me a living testimony of that Bible verse. God knew very well that I would be an emotional work of art in the courtroom if I had to go back and forth with my now ex-husband. But only my God, allowed me to get a divorce and not even have to look my husband at the time, in the eye once. No custody battles, not even those strenous court fees. God made a promise to me that he would put my enemies under my feet and He meant business. Now don't get me wrong, my ex was never my enemy. It was satan himself working through my husband at the time. So God put a stop to satan's plan to destroy me, into better works for His glory to be used by Him (God).

I tell people all the time, the domestic violence I went through in my marriage had absolutely nothing to do with me personally. It happened to bring about a change in other people lives and an avenue to be used by God, Himself. You can't asked for anything more than that. So I thank God daily for using me, to speak to a broken population of women and their children who have been abused on all levels.

DIVORCE.....is an ugly word that even the Bible says, God hates. I don't believe He hates it so much that He would also hate you if that's what's best for you and your family. Alot of time women who stay in abusive marriages deal with emotionally and verbally torture of what the "church folks" might say? Let me tell you one thing is for certain: Church folks will talk about you whether it's something good or bad!

You don't owe the church any explanation to the decisions you need to make for the safety of yourself and of your children. You have to pour out your heart to God and allow Him to mend whatever broken pieces you have before or after your divorce, back together. I held on to my marriage for dear life it seemed like. My marriage became my idol.....and we all know that's a big no, no to God. I read almost every book and went through counseling and listened to family and friends. I neglected to reach out to God and see what His answer was all along.

Divorce is never something easy to do or be done with afterwards for some people. That's why trusted family members, friends, books, co-workers, clergy, therapists, support groups, etc are an essential backbone for those of us who have to deal with this ugly word. It took alot out of me to step out on faith and meet new friends, go to new places alone and focus on my dreams and goals, now that I am divorced. I say those things because usually married couples share the same friends and are involved in the same social environments. So once you get divorced, things ultimately change: no more couples nights out, bbq's together, kids car pooling together for school, married ministries at church--- you are now to sit in the singles section LOL if you decide to stay at the church together.

I pray for those who have to deal with the harsh realities of the worst cases of divorce. But give your situation over to God and He'll give you strength to walk away. I remember asking God to do for me, what I couldn't do myself...which was totally walk away from my abusive relationship. I stand here today to let you know that the road gets better to make your journey easier through life once you let go and let God do His will.

Divorce is the end result of a marriage, but not the end of your life. I hope this helped you in some way to fulfill your greatest potentials in life and if you've fallen down in life, allow yourself to be picked back up again and enjoy God's grace and new mercies everyday.

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

WE ALL SHARE THE SAME STORY

I went to a conference yesturday that discussed health topics and issues for women of color. So of course, by all means, they had a workshop on Domestic Violence. The presentors amazingly, didn't facilitate using diagrams, PowerPoint slides and the what nots....they simply talked with the ladies. We now know that Domestic Violence is a hidden or "hushed" crime. Many African Americans, especially women, are taught at an early age that, whatever goes on in the house, stays in the house. This has effected so much of our society that words almost can't even give an accurate description of this horrific and silent crime.

It also amazes me that each and everytime I'm in a room with very beautiful and intelligent women, I notice one thing: we all share the same story! The same stories of abuse, anger, guilt, shame, needs, wants, goals, children, married, single, divorced, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, hearts broken, dreams shattered and a host of other testimonies.

I sat there in my seat, literally with my hands planted under my thighs. I have to do this sometimes inorder to allow myself to be the student and not always be the teacher. Hearing the women talk about all of the similar stories of personal experiences with domestic violence or of a dear friend or family member that's involved currently in an unhealthy relationship.

Alot of women share the same stories of how their mothers or grandmothers were abused and it was just the "way of life". That is absolutely unnacceptable in today's society. The Feminist movement allowed us women, to stand up for ourselves, vote and live our lives to the best of our abilities and in the safe havens of our own homes. The stories that we share have no room to create boundaries based off of race or economic backgrounds. As we all know, domestic violence does NOT visit only a selected few of species.

Domestic violence is a community crime: if it effects one of us, it affects ALL of us!

Whenever you get a room full of women who have been abused, you will hear the same stories how they were walking around on eggshells daily, fears of being alone or even fears of dying. The same stories of how at night, they meditated on how they wanted to kill their abuser but thought about their children being without a mother and father, afterwards. Name calling and manipulation tactics or similar threats, are also included in hearing the same stories as well. Last but not the least, we all share the same stories of being stressed out due to the lack of sleep that a victim doesn't get because of her abuser, keeping up chaos to deprive them of sleep.

I encourage each victim or survivor to get involved in any available support groups or have a buddy system with another person and listen carefully to each other and you will be amazed of one thing certainly: we all share the same story!

God bless you, I pray for your strength and let's continue to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

I noticed that all of my blogs were geared towards the mature audience of adults. But neglected to inform my readers of another growing topic in domestic violence: Teen Dating Violence. The youth in our society are under so much pressure, such as having sex (protected or unprotected), committing crimes and addictions to drugs (legal or illegal), that dating violence has also become a greater risk for silent behaviors.

Let's explore this further(IL DV Manual and emphasis mine):

Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers typically:
*are inexperienced with dating relationships
*are pressured by peers to act violently
*want independence from parents
*have "romantic" views of love

The early warning signs of a potential abusive partner are similar to those of adults: Explosive behavior, extreme jealousy, quick involvement, unpredictable mood swings, isolating victim from family and friends, etc.

Parents, discuss these and other warning signs of domestic violence with your teenager(s). Here are a few signs to look for in teens that are involved in dating violence:

*Physical signs of injury
*Truancy, dropping out of school (multiple physical scars and bruises keeps the teen from attending school for fear of someone finding out about their situation)
*Failing grades
*Indecision (having doubt or uncertainities)
*Changes in mood or personaility
*Sudden use of alcohol/drugs
*Pregnancy (if a teen is pregnant multiple times a year and is having miscarriages/abortions, there's a possibilty that the abusive partner is refusing to use condoms during sexual intercourse)
*Emotional outbursts
*Isolation (The teen suddenly stays "locked" in their bedroom or anyplace in the house that allows them not to be seen for long periods of time. This is a way to hide bruises, scars and even pregnancies from parents)

So if you thought domestic violence only happens in the adult world, I hope this brief information has evolved you into taking a closer look at teen dating violence.

Teens will talk to and find confidence in each other before seeking guidance from adults. Therefore, sometimes parents are unaware of or able to detect if their child is suffering emotionally or physically from dating violence. Let this be a wake up call to us all as mothers, sisters, clergy, professionals, parishoners, teachers, students, etc. and BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

For more information contact:

National Teen dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474 | 1-866-331-8453 TTY
www.loveisrespect.org

I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE

A dear friend of mine today "Tweeted" me in regards to the song, "I Love the Way You Lie", by Eminem and Rihanna. To my understanding, the song was/is believed to be embracing or dancing around issues of domestic violence. So naturally I logged onto iTunes and thus, I speak now or forever hold my peace about it:

My initial thoughts before watching the video (YouTube) and listening to this song (iTunes) was that, with Rihanna apart of this project, it must be about raising awareness of domestic violence. Due to her countless interviews regarding the alleged physical and emotional abuse she endured in her relationship with R&B superstar, Chris Brown. I admit, I'm not all the way clear on the video concept, so I'll have to watch it a few more times. I can say that I did see where the intersections of emotional and physical abuse, met throughout the video.

The lyrics expressed the heartfelt feelings of both the batterer and of the victim. They talked about how a couple involved in domestic violence go through the different stages: the good times together, the expolsive actions after the emotions have build up inside of the batterer and back again to the honeymoon stage or as before, the good times they had together. The honeymoon period in the cycle of violence, happens after the punches, kicks, degrading remarks and whatever other abusive actions intended or acted out on the victim. This is when the victim has had the "last straw" pulled and ready to leave the batterer. The batterer knows how to turn the "last straw" back to just another one being pulled. So here comes the "lies" as this song described also in the lyrics. Lies the batterer tells the victim: it won't happen again (it almost, always DOES) threats of bodily harm or even death if the victim leaves the batterer, the batterer will cry or make promises that they have no intentions of following suit on once they win the victims heart over again. This list is not limited at a host of other control tactics, batterers use to manipulate and coerce the victim to stay (please read previous blogs I've written explaining more indepth).

So overall, I applaud the artists for collaberating together to raise awareness of domestic violence and having a picture (video) to go along with it. I believe, someone, somewhere, sat and watched that video or read and/or heard the lyrics to the song and saw a reflection in themselves. A reflection of either the batterer or as the victim.

I am in total agreement with different tools and resources used to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!