An Open Letter to Ray Rice

Dear Ray Rice,

This open letter to you comes from the most conscious places in my mind.  As a human being, a survivor of domestic violence, a domestic violence advocate and Founder of A New Me Foundation, NFP which serves as a platform for victims, survivors and everyone who has been affected by domestic violence, a current undergrad student majoring in Criminal Justice Administration that enhances my skills development daily working in the unfortunate field of domestic violence and which strengthens the cords of my credentials in domestic violence and partner abuse intervention.  I must admit this letter to you does not come by as easy as other forms of writing I've accomplished in the past.  I've prayed and asked God to remove any malice in my heart from hearing and watching another act of violence against a woman and the amount of attention it receives because of a celebrity such as yourself is involved.  I've prayed and asked God to reveal to me in writing what needs to be addressed in this matter and I've prayed that if this letter reaches you in some format, that it will open your eyes and heart to the process of changing this learned behavior.

Domestic violence as you may not know, is a learned behavior.  It is not a disease in which you can "catch it".  Somewhere and/or through someone, you learned of this violent behavior that stemmed from a cycle of violence.  In the first stage of this cycle is known as the tension building stage.  This is when tactics are used by a person who batters to gain power and control in the relationship through isolating the victim, or using tactics of verbal or emotional abuse.  At this cycle or stage, this is where the victim usually attempts to avoid any violent behavior by "walking around on eggshells" to avoid conflict that could later result in the next stage, the explosion stage.  The explosion stage is what I call, when the fight breaks out! This is when the person who batters exercises the actual abuse, be it through physical, verbal, financial, emotional, sexual, etc., whatever tactic the person who batters uses at that time.  Please keep in mind that each cycle of violence occurs in different time frames, one stage could be a day, another could be months long or years.  Which leads us to the final cycle of violence which is the honeymoon phase.  The honeymoon phase is the time that is often misleading to the victim but orchestrated by the person who batters.  This is when the person who batters will say, "I'm sorry, I'll never do that again", adorns the victim with gifts, flowers and/or promises that they have no intentions of fulfilling such as going through couples counseling (in domestic violence, partners should NEVER seek couples therapy/counseling, but engage in separate counseling to make sure that the victim is safe at all times and there is no power and control gateways or tactics used by the person who batters). Those three stages that I mentioned, repeats itself in that order, which visually creates the cycle of violence.

I've read countless comments and articles since Monday when your story broke nationally, that stated somethings such as, "She's the fool, she turned around and married him."  This is considered part of that honeymoon stage that I just mentioned.  Again, according the developing story, this incident happened in February and you both married in March.  Not a coincidence to me because, given the cycle of violence, after the explosion (video of incident in the elevator), that was the next stage and time frame for the "honeymoon stage" (your wedding).  What people fail to realize is at the core (in the middle) of the cycles of violence lies the one stage that doesn't get a public acknowledgement or awareness and that stage sir is DENIAL.  This is where we all play apart in the continuous cases of domestic violence.  For the person that batters, this is when he/she denies to him/herself that anything happened, it was their partners fault for their action(s), takes on gender roles and the distorted idea of masculinity roles to justify those learned behaviors, etc.  For the victim, denial seeps through the mental seeds planted and fantasizes in their mind that things will get better if the victim would perform certain actions to prevent this again.  The victim denies that the person who battered them is not the person that they fell in love with.  When approached by society, friends or family, the victim denies what goes on behind closed doors or in some cases, in public places such as in the elevator. The victim denies to themselves that they can leave their abusive partner because they lack money, resources, education, and any other thing our society and judicial system fails to give them to become productive citizens once they transition from victim to survivor.  Finally, society denies or minimizes the problem on the surface by victim blaming, "Well what did the victim do to deserve that?", they walk passed the couple on the corner who is involved in an altercation and whispers softly, "I'd never go through that", while never calling the police to stop the altercation.  I live in Chicago, IL, our police department receives over 500 domestic dispute related calls daily.  As within any law enforcement institutions, they are not always equipped to accurately handle each call but the victim rarely knows this information is available to utilize 24 hours a day no matter where they are located.  Society denies the outcome of the situation by saying, "She's just gonna go back to him tomorrow, no use in getting involved", not realizing that victim may never see tomorrow if beaten to death or shot and killed moments later by the person who batters.

Again, my letter to you is not to judge you or your wife's actions, I believe society has done enough of that.  However, my letter to you is to educate you on those actions to prevent further cases such as this from happening again, because truthfully speaking, that's how I learned I was a victim of domestic violence.  I had never heard of the term nor did I know that what I went through at the time had been by way of the Duluth model (the famous power and control wheel).  As I continue to read comments and articles about your incident, it furthers shows me how much our society is not educated on domestic violence and how does it get to this point?

All through my timeline I did see posts and comments stating that what happened in the elevator was not the first time something like this happened in your relationship.  I can't say if it was or if it wasn't but what I will say that was clearly exposed, there was the tension building stage before the explosion of what we saw in the elevator.  I tell people all of the time, a person who batters doesn't punch the victim on the first date.  Domestic violence is learned behavior so it takes time for a person who batters to learn what tactics to use on the victim.  Victims refer to this as Dr. Jekyll (the good personality of their partner) and Mr. Hide (the bad or evil personality of their partner).  The person who batters portrays several personalities and again are a human being themselves with other issues battling their mind and heart, other than domestic violence.  I'm not sure what else or if anything else is on the battlefield of your mind, but I strongly suggest you get to the core of it, because if not, you will revisit this situation again and that's part of how domestic violence continues.  Meaning, if your wife decides to take actions to leave you and she doesn't heal properly from this, she will eventually get involved with another person who batters and vice versa.  If you don't take the necessary actions to properly heal from this, get the help you need to prevent this from happening ever again, you too will meet another woman, and repeat this incident.  Society triages the victims by providing temporary services to them with limited funding and too often cuts funding from service providers in domestic violence services.  Our government spends billions of dollars annually funding citizens on welfare for years who are very capable of working but turns away from allocating funds into domestic violence that will save lives annually.  That's where society has failed both you and your wife.  Society turned away from your wife if/when she first reached out for help possibly because of the power you hold as a professional football player or simply because at large, society views domestic violence as private matter.

I was once married to a person who abused me and although we weren't public figures such as yourself, we still share a common story.  I married my ex-husband months later after one of our many altercations, believing at the time, that he was remorseful and that things will change.  That was our "honeymoon stage" too.  The wedding was beautiful to me at least, I had friends and family there who knew what all we had been through, offered their support if I chose to walk down that aisle or not, opposed coming to the ceremony because they knew the deep dark secret of the abuse I had endured, etc.  I am recalling these memories to you because as a survivor, they will never go away.  As a victim who may be currently in the situation, they don't think rationally, all of the time.  So for those who continuously blame your wife for marrying you after the incident, stop it!  I'm sure she saw in you good/great qualities as a man first before she became a victim of domestic violence.  

What happens now?  Was the NFL too harsh on you or is this just consequences for your actions?  Is your wife blinded by the cycle of violence and taking up for you by voicing her thoughts and opinions through social media?  Why doesn't your wife "look" like a victim of domestic violence?  Can your marriage be saved or reconciled after this? What does a victim or survivor of domestic violence "look" like? Will the NFL continue on turning their eyes away from the epidemic of domestic violence until one of their employees makes the headlines again and still not invest a dollar into a batterers intervention program?  How many other NFL players who have battered their partners, stories haven't been caught on tape in an elevator (trust and know that you are not the first or will be the last)? How soon before your story dies down and society forgets you and your current wife exists before another story surfaces?  What can we do to prevent stories like this from happening again and being mocked across the globe thanks to the world wide web and not being used to help save lives of victims and provide successful interventions for persons who batter?  Moving forward, will society take action and educate themselves more on domestic violence or just leave it alone?  As a citizen of the United States, how many more open letters do I have to write to make a difference in the lives of others just as Kimye's extravagant wedding did in the fashion industry and the obsession of trendy reality shows (no shade Kimye)?  From your story, I wonder, how many other victims will speak out against domestic violence now?  I wonder when will the next story headlines read that another celebrity beat or killed their partner and no charges were brought to Lady Justice?  

These questions you may or may not know all of the answers to.  But just take one of them and that's where you can begin to change the cycles of violence.  It is unfortunate that this won't go away over night, the best publicist you'll ever hire can not make it go away either even after the media moves on to another story that grabs the quick attention of our society, the NFL can not solve all of the problems related to your story,  the memories of a mother who will despise you although she never met you personally, because she lost her daughter due to domestic violence, will continue.  A survivor such as myself will always see your story through the testimony of my life and other women who will come to me beaten, battered and scorn from a person who batters, will always refer to your story to educate others.  A victim, will never come forth and seek help because they are reading your story every where they turn and seeing the personal views and opinions of others in the media that scrutinizes the victim, your wife while glorifying your actions.  Or suicide and homicide rates will continuously increase because that video that TMZ posted to possibly shame you or make an attempt to raise awareness.  That video maybe a victim's way of ending their life themselves before something like this happens to them, or the person who batters, takes matters into their own hands and kills another victim.  

Finally, I don't know you, never seen you play football (I don't watch football), don't know your wife, but what I do know is domestic violence is a silent killer and that my work is obviously not done.  I challenge you as a human being to take full accountability for your actions and get the necessary help you need to never allow this to happen again to yourself and utilize every gateway possible to be available to be a platform to help others that have walked or are walking in your shoes that have battered a person, to help educate others on domestic violence.  Once you start somewhere towards making better decisions in life and being accountable for your actions, Mr. Ray Rice, is how WE can one day END DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! 

Thanks for taking your time reading this open letter to you, I hope I have planted seeds of change for you.

Felicia Simpson

Founder/Executive Director of A New Me Foundation, NFP