WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE?

OMG this is probably the number one question that victims of domestic violence get from strangers or their friends and family......Why don't you just leave? Society isn't aware of the mindset of an abused victim of domestic violence, so to them it appears to be something simple and easy to do. Let's take a look at what the Illinois 40-Hour Domestic Violence Manual has to say about this:

Some women feel sorry for their abusers. At first it may seem incomprehensible that a person could feel sympathy for the person who causes her so much pain. It is important to remember however that society expects and conditions women to be loving, nurturing and forgiving. Since abusers are often contrite and beg for forgiveness after a beating, a woman may view leaving or divorce as the abandonment of a person that desperately needs help. To do that would mean that she has failed in her role as a devoted, patient and compassionate mate.

Women also find it difficult to get out of a violent relationship because of the psychological effects of living with an abuser. Almost without exception, women are subjected to varying degrees of emotional abuse. Women are told that they are incompetent, stupid, worthless and incapable of surviving without help and direction. Women are criticized for the way they look, the way they keep house, the way they raise their children. The effects of these verbal attacks must not be underestimated. Almost all battered women agree that this abuse is far more devastating that any physical injuries they have suffered. Physical injuries may heel, but emotional scars are hardest to detect and heal.

The result of these psychological beating, inflicted by a person who (supposedly) loves her, is that the woman herself comes to believe that there is some truth in what is said. That she could not survive on her own - she is stupid, worthless, ugly and simply does not deserve any better.

Emotional involvement isn't the only reason that a woman may stay in a violent relationship. Economic factors frequently play an important role. Some battered women lack job skills and experience, and even those who work outside the home often receive low wages and poor benefits. Women with good jobs are not protected; often they are harrassed at work and put in danger of loosing their jobs. If Welfare is not enough, if her wages are low, and if she cannot be certain that she can support herself and her family, a woman may eventually decide that being beaten is the price she must pay for financial survival.

Another reason that battered women don't leave their abusers is fear. It is not uncommon for a man to threaten that he will stalk a woman and kill her if she leaves. A woman is in MORE danger of being seriously injured or murdered when she leaves an abusive relationship than at any other time during the relationship.

Finally, getting out of an abusive relationship is often very difficult by a lack of community and social resources. Shelters and safe houses almost always operate at maximum capacity. In fact, Greenhouse (Chicago) has y=to turn away approximately 600-700 women and children per month because of lack of space. Women may have to wait for days or weeks before there is room for her and her children. Another major problem is finding some good legal counsel that is affordable, even assuming the woman lives in a state where there is protective legislation for battered women.

With all of that being said, has that changed any of your views of why a woman just may decide to stay in an abusive relationship? I pray that the next time you come across a domestic violence victim, you won't ask them this hurtful question or downplay their individual situation as leaving is something so easy and simple to do. Instead, try to reach out to them with providing helpful resources that will allow them to leave or setting up a safety plan for the day and hour that is upon them to leave their abusive partner.

HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!