TRAVELING TO AN UNKNOWN PLACE

*picture taken by Demetrius G.*

So here's the deal, my boyfriend wants me to travel way across the country, I'm talking about a 15 hour flight to Amsterdam. Wowzer!!! This place is not the beaches in Miami, the shows in Las Vegas or even dreams of me sipping Mijotos in Mexico. This is a place for me, nevertheless that's unfamiliar. Now I'm a dare devil when it comes to doing new things in my life, especially when it comes to A New Me Foundation. A person standing in the same room as me would never know I was scared straight before doing any public speaking. So why let my fears dance with me now? Did you read the title to this blog? TRAVELING TO AN UNKNOWN PLACE. My boyfriend recently visited Amsterdam and took a lot of exotic pictures. Amsterdam is a beautiful place according to the pictures, so what's holding me back from this experience? My friends look at me like I'm crazy for even having these thoughts on my brain and they would have been on the first plane flying over there, if the invitation had been extended to them.

I think about Jesus and all of the places He traveled and behold, it wasn't as bad for Him, traveling to unknown places....people greeted Him with gifts, food and celebrations of His arrival.......so why do I insist on having the, as we say on Twitter, the *Kanye shrug* whenever it's time to plan this trip? Is it the number of hours I'll be flying? Is it just too far away from home? Does it requires to much to go over there (i.e. passports, probably exchanges of the U.S. dollars, etc)? Or down right, undeniable ........it's just FEAR.

FEAR will trap and smother you if you let it. Fear of flying is easy to conquer.....you can take a short trip somewhere. But the fear of traveling to unfamiliar places and not to mention, not far from AFGHANISTAN, is a whole nothing pill to swallow. I know the Bible verse very well, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

Now of course after much thought on this, I needed to define fear for myself which is:

Fear (noun): a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afraid.

Readers, this is the time I am seeking your advice on how to conquer this fear I have of going to Amsterdam. Let me know how do you get over your fears? Advice on how to help me get over my fears in this situation.

THESE SHOES

Looking at them on the wall

amongst others

Brightly decorated with the

color of a juicy apple

I wonder what event I can wear

them to

Maybe not an event but

an exclusive meeting

with me and him

It takes a lot of confidence

to rock these shoes

Sparkles are the outline

The artist is familiar

with the arch of my feet

to have made these

shoes a perfect fit

just for me

Men stare at my legs

and whenever I wear these shoes

the men and my alter ego

will speak in unison

It takes a lot of patience

to rock these shoes

Many have tried but this shoe

has my name written all over it

The way I walk builds my confidence

Men become prey to

My feet as they dance on the soles of

these shoes

These shoes will guide me

through the world

Whether I'm taking small

steps towards success

or seducing my lover

these shoes were made just for walking

THE EFFECTS OF VERBAL & MENTAL ABUSE

Looking at this title, I'd have to separate the two automatically in order to define them:

Verbal Abuse is saying things that are cruel and hurtful, this person (abuser) may degrade you, curse you, or run down your accomplishments.

Mental/Emotional Abuse is any behavior where someone is attacked verbally, manipulated and or controlled. These behaviors cause the person (victim) to feel afraid, confused, overwhelmed, threatened, powerless, crazy, inadequate, frustrated, or rejected.

Both of these definitions came from the Connections for Abused Women and their Children (C.A.W.C.) 40 Hour Domestic Violence Training Manual. I often refer to this manual. But I see the relationship between the two nonetheless. Moving on, let's explore the effects of these two terms from a victim's perspective. Although no physical scars from being beaten, victims are left with the following (in no specific order and not limited to):

Fear, communication failures with potential partners, low self-esteem, depression, never healing from that abusive relationship/marriage, trust issues with others besides in an intimate relationship, suicide, mental shutdown, anxiety, isolation, weight loss or weight gain, self mutilation, alcohol and/or drug abuse, etc.

These effects are similar to what the victim experiences while in the domestic violence relationship, so if left untreated, they carry it with them once they become or if they become a survivor.

Those effects listed above can be short or long term, depending on the person (victim). For myself it took a lot of time and prayers to build my self esteem back up and it is still a work in progress. Talk to a victim and I promise you that they will assure you that the verbal and emotional abuse lasts longer than the physical abuse did/does. You carry around words and memories not scars. Scars heal and some disappear. But hurtful words and mental pictures live inside of you.

People ask me do I ever cry while giving a speaking engagement about my past? My answer is NO (although I wonder why too). I think it's mainly because I'm pushing through my emotions and visuals of my past to get God's word delivered to His people. Do I cry alone when I think about what I went through ........ YES!!!!! Very often! I am a crybaby so words and emotions hurt me easily. So the effects of verbal and mental abuse was long term for me. It has taken me years to get to this point in my life to be confident in myself and what happened in my life to share with others and to know that I am NOT what my ex husband said that I was or was gonna be.

The effects of verbal and mental abuse is to each it's own. My exposure of domestic violence may be different or the same as yours. Whatever the case is, start the process of forgiveness, healing, prayers and professional help as in therapy (if needed).

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!!!!

WHAT DOES GOD SAY?

My heart is peeling open Lord

clean it from all malice

renew my mind and my spirit

Take my wounds and heal them

Let the smile that form on my lips now

be a shadow to the frown that once dwelled there

The enemy is after my soul

HELP Lord, I don't know how much longer

I can hold on to Your unchanging hands

Peace lives next door to me but evil sleeps with me

Midnight chokes me nightly

with battles in my mind

The enemy has his hands on my life

God do you hear me?

Please save me!!!!

Somebody prayed for me

I prayed for me but the wrath of

the evil one is prevailing

My faith is slipping

my confidence is being extracted from my loins

I'm angry

I'm hurt

I feel defeated

My heart is peeling open Lord

clean it from all malice

renew my mind and my spirit

The enemy spoke words to me

He said I was nothing without him

My past will never go away

He will always win

God is not listening to me

the victory is his

God, this can't be true

You told me the battle belongs to You

You were there for me then

where are You now?

I try my best to live right

and do right by others

but the enemy is sucking life

right out me and I feel like

giving up

God:

My child, have I not delivered Daniel from the lion's den?

Have I not saved Jonah from the belly of the whale?

Did I not raise Jesus the Christ from the cross?

What more will I do for you?

I'll tell you, I'll give you more than you could ever

ask for think or imagine!

I have the final say over your life not the enemy

I love you and I am with you

Be not dismayed in your trials

Call on my name and the enemy has to flee

I am omnipresent- EVERYWHERE

I am omnipotent- ALMIGHTY

I am omniscient- ALL KNOWING

Declare to your storms to be far removed from you and watch the presence

of the Lord unfold in your life

Reach out to me and say yes to My will

I know you can't see what I'm doing in your life right now

But TRUST me and seek My kingdom of righteousness

You will be blessed beyond measures

My peace I leave with you and My peace I give to you

God, I Trust You!!!!

Turning a new leap of faith is a mark for me, that I've noticed has NOT been a challenge. By now you should know that I've been a victim of domestic violence and my ex-husband will surface every now and then with evil actions towards me. I have been very strong and straight forward about my personal life. I trust GOD not man to deliver me out of evil. I don't think that I'm excused from persecution. I feel like I'm the best candidate for the job. If Jesus, died on the cross for me and my sins and the sins of the world, surely every now and then, life can throw some darts at me. Do I like these darts that's been thrown at me? Of course not, but my faith and confidence in the Lord is much stronger now than when I was a victim of domestic violence.

I don't believe fighting evil with evil.... I've tried that plenty of times to get the same outcome: IT DOESN'T HELP THE SITUATION. I have noticed however, that when evil rises up against me, and my discipline remains steadfast on the Lord's will, BLESSINGS come in abundance to me. I like the latter outcome better. Sure, I'm human and want to respond and have a full blown fight with evil but my life is destined for greatness. With that being said, I fight evil with prayer, love and forgiveness. Material things can be replaced and I value my life and the lives of my family more.

I might can't see the blessings in front of me but I know that they are on their way. I get frustrated too and loose my temper at times, remember I'm human. But what sets me apart is that I control my frustrations and temper. The heat is turned up in hell right now because God pulled me out of the pits from hell and not only did He pull me out, but He gave me a POWERFUL testimony, to help others. So I know satan and his crew is camping out, around and in my life awaiting any opportunity to get me to backslide. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!!

Writing is my therapy and the enemy knows that too. What I write down GOD breathes, produces and manifest not only in my life but in others, His forgiveness, encouragement, love and mercy. Blessings are on their way in my life and the lives of others and it's time for me (and you if applicable) to put on the FULL armor of God and let the Lord fight these battles. I have blessings to receive and not concern myself with the work of the enemy. God doesn't need my help in that area. I'm covered in His blood and righteousness and y'all know the scripture......NO WEAPON FORMED ME SHALL PROSPER!

Pray for me and with me that as an advocate of domestic violence in a society filled with anger and hurt people that hurt people, God will keep His hands on my life. May God bless you in all that you do and be encouraged.

I leave you with this song because it is a song that I play often to meditate and feed my spirit to at times:

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

FEAR & LONELINESS

We've come to know each other quite well

bitterness engulfed our friendship

Not a man or a friend to call my own

I pushed people away because of

the heavy load I carry with me

I'm afraid to get close to someone

and find true love

that was written just for me

My back slides down the crease in my walls

that's where my altar of loneliness confides

This is the place where my representative

is not welcomed

This is where the real me steps forward

and sets the scene

Pills race down my throat

Evil spirits fill my mind

I don't like feeling this way

but yet I feel safer here

Tears are my garments

What am I afraid of?

Don't know how I arrived here

nor how long I'm staying

Cover my eyes with dark hues

praying no one will notice the

delicate soul underneath

Watching everyone else enjoy life

I peak behind the seamstress curtains

and silently wish that it was me

I can't take a step forward

because of the unknown

So I stand still

and watch the milestones

of others pass by

Loneliness and fear visited me one day

bought me white flowers as a gift

that's the least they could do

They were the only ones offering

their condolences

Loneliness and fear took my last breath

No one knew because I remained enclosed

in a room that pills and evil spirits

had the keys to

Now take my lessons learned and live!!!!

PRECIOUS FLOWER

Silk petals cover you

your interior is where treasure dwells

Moisture trickles down your stem

Massive waterfalls nourish you

sunlight keeps you aroused

Precious flower

Your sprouts are the seats

of your affection

Selective tones are discerned

depending on the rays of the sun

Your fragerance is of honey

mixed with vanilla

sprinkled cinnamon to describe

a finishing glow

Bees want a private conversation

with you

Worms lust upon your roots

and nectar stimulates the birds

Precious flower

when I peel back the layers

of your petals

it gives a timeline of endless encounters,

like a first love

Deeply planted in the soils of passion

of all these things that

creates and fertilize you

to me you are simply a

precious flower