Look At Me

Several months ago, after a speaking engagement I had, I came across a young lady who was sharing with me that her friend was in a domestic violence relationship and that she also cuts herself to deal with it. For whatever reason, that young lady was just placed on my heart and I did what I only know best, I decided to write about it. Now this writing is different for me because I had to pretend or act as if I was the young lady who cuts herself. I thought about possible feelings and things that this young lady would do and be going through. I wanted to post pictures of what cutting looks like but they were too graphic. Check it out my poem on this:

I'm the one that ministers to everyone

People look up to me

but yet I cry alone at night

I speak about violence against women

But continues to self inflict myself

Doubt myself

Self esteem is a half a mile away from the end

Yesterday marinates with today

I haven't forgotten anything

memories I still long for

I failed in life

That's what I tell myself

Look at me

I'm broken can't you see?

Hiding behind the fake smiles,

hard work and determination

Resides a woman that still lives a double life

If the world only knew once the performance is done

I hurt myself

in the privacy of my powder room

The pain feels so good

like my lover in between the sheets

Only it doesn't take as long for me to reach this climax

He beats me...... I beat me

When I walk outside these doors, no one knows my silent story

I wear clothes to cover up the sores

Until the day my dear friend

grabbed me by the hand

I lied to cover up the shame

But I knew our friendship would never be the same

I asked her not to tell anyone if I told her the truth

She promised and said this will stay between me and you

I raised up my sleeves and she cried a multitude of tears

Look at me

What do you see?

She blamed herself for not noticing what I felt

Even offered to take me to get some help

No one can know about this

For the good book says

This too shall pass

I'll stop

I tell her

as soon as she leaves

I race to that familiar room and began a new

line of piercings in my flesh

Only this time, I became so afraid that my secret would be told

so ended it all with a slash across my neck..............

For this young lady, we were too late to help her but this is an eye opener to society to help others before it's too late. When you come across a victim of domestic violence, you have a cocktail or mixture of other problems with the victim besides the abuse they are receiving from their partner. Again, I say, this is not a true story that I know of, just wanted to explore what could happen if we don't help victims of domestic violence before they commit suicide.

Here's a link that provides information about cutting: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775/DSECTION=symptoms

"I don't think anyone wants to cut when they are being listened to." S. Hein

If you or someone is experiencing this, please seek medical and professional help!

Be Blessed!!!

POEM: KNOW YOUR WORTH

Whose gonna stand up for it?

No politicians can articulate

what lies inside of you

You're waiting for people to recognize it?

Chile, please...

How's that been working out for you?

You need to see what others can't

or what they can see but won't acknowledge

You've been beaten, talked about and lied on

Still waiting on someone else to confirm who you are?

Look to the hills

from wence cometh your help

God sees all and knows all

Feel like giving up?

Now where they do that at?

Cause victory is on the other side of defeat

The key is....crossing the finish line

Sleeping with this person and that person

to only end up treating a disease

that will come again if you keep this up

Or making the fight to end AIDS last longer

because you have now become another statistics to the masses

He said, she said, they've all said it

KNOW YOUR STATUS

Reach deep down in your soul

and conquer the fears and end HIV stigma

In case you didn't know, that's killing you!

Momma, the kids done met all of the "uncles" they can remember

Daddy, just because you and momma can't get along,

don't take it out on us and NOT come around

Know your worth sister

stop showing off all of your goodies

You're a Barbie?

Put some clothes on then and become a queen

instead of something fake and made out of plastic

Brother, know your worth

Lil Wayne is not a good example

No dis to hip hop but that's a gimmick

Brothers like Common, Jay Z and Hill Harper

are just to name a few

who have paved a way for you

to do things decent and in order

It took me years to relay this message

Once upon a time

I didn't know my worth

Wore skimpy clothes, dated thugs, slept around and hung with hoes

Trust me the road ends and you can't go forth

until you know your worth!

HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN OUR COMMUNITIES TODAY!!!

Poem: MY LIFE

At the first appearance of daylight,

trouble saluted me

I tried to remain prostrate

hoping the thoughts would go away

Stressing over life

loosing weight

drinking and smoking cigarettes

Petitioned to God to please hurry and fix my life

Tried doing things my way

and the determination of the enemy directions

is overpowering me

Where is my breakthrough?

Screaming to the heavens

for peace to be still

and chaos commands attention in my life

This is my life

this is all I know

Momma and grandma went through it and now it's my turn

I've been a rebel, broken and torn

Lovers here and there to fill an empty void

Never dealt with my past

until now ..........

It won't allow me to sweep it under the rug anymore

I drink the pain away and I smoke to deal with the memories

of fear and suffering

instead of simply breaking the silence

Talking about it and taking a stand is easier said than done

But this is my life

people won't understand my problems

They have problems of their own

Who would care about mine?

He wouldn't let me die in peace

so suicide isn't an option for me

But these constant headaches, lack of sleep and bruises

are killing me silently anyway

Friends and family encourage me to leave daily

but never offer me a place to stay

Leave and be alone and homeless? Leave my children fatherless?

No, it's easier to just deal with it

I'm stupid and too ugly to face this world alone

well at least that's what he says about me

This is my life

I should be allowed to do what I want to do with it right?

Help seems so far away so until God shows me otherwise,

this is my life and I'm deciding to stay!

I wrote this poem from a victim's point of view to the world for always asking....why do you stay in an abusive relationship? Hope this open the eyes of victims to break this cycle and for the world to have more compassion and not blame the victim for the abuse they receive from their batterer.

HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN OUR COMMUNITIES!!!

WISHLIST RECAP

So last Saturday, December 17, 2011 ..... A New Me Foundation, Young Adults in Christian Ministries (Y.A.C.M.), The Black Girls Next Door and a host of others, came out to drop off donations for the residents at Greenhouse shelter. There was a great amount of gifts and toys for the women and children to receive in time for the holidays. I'm so grateful for those that came out and supported with gifts and monetary donations.

It says a lot about people who care enough to help provide for total strangers. This world needs more people like you and the Coordinator of the Wishlist at Connections for Abused Women and their Children, Solange Pina-Lorca was so happy and very grateful for all of the gifts that I dropped off, at the administrative office.

For more information on ways you can donate or volunteer at the shelter, please log onto www.cawc.org

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE LIFE IN ORDER TO TALK ABOUT IT

So many people have reached out to me to make sure I was ok because I haven't posted much on Facebook or Twitter (I live on Twitter LOL) ...... I'm doing fine and still working hard with and for A New Me Foundation. Life has finally settled down with me and I with life. I just took some time away from my usual routines to experience life and love in order to have something to talk and write about. Writing is my therapy session without the shrink and a couch. So I take it seriously and give a lot of energy into my thoughts.

I've been concentrating more, writing, reading and taking photos....doing the things I love outside of my jobs. My motto is, "Life motivates me to write". So with that being said, I had to live a little, in order to write...LOL.

Another question that comes up for me is, am I still gonna blog about domestic violence because I have been introduced to "love" again? The answer: ABSOLUTELY...... YES!!!! I will always write about domestic violence until there is no longer breath in my body and no more victims left to write and advocate for. Love isn't going anywhere and the beautiful thing about my boyfriend is that he supports what I do 100% and shares the compassion for victims of domestic violence as much as I do. I can understand where this question could come from but nevertheless, that's my answer. I've also created a new blog site to express "happier topics" to give me an outlet too.

Finally, I've been piecing together the final touches of my soon to be FOURTH self-published book entitled, ANOTHER CHANCE TO LIVE, due out in 2012. So you see I've been busy just haven't posted or tweeted my every step like usual. I live a life that requires time and priorities to be tended to accordingly. That makes a GREAT leader. I have kids and a job too so I've been living my life, like a normal person so that I don't get burnt out trying to help everybody else (which could easily happen).

So go out in the world, experience life and help break the silence of domestic violence!!!!

WISHLIST December 17, 2011

The holidays are upon us and together, A New Me Foundation and the Young Adults in Christian Ministries want to help make life a little easier for women and/or their children that have been abused at the Greenhouse Shelter, located in the Chicagoland area. Attached are the wishlist items to be donated to the shelter and the drop off location information. We humbly ask that you participate in this wishlist drive. There will be warm refreshments as a token of our appreciation upon your arrival. Please pass this information onto others and may God continue to bless you in all that you do in your life, and in the lives of others.

*For monetary donations, please make checks or money orders payable to Greenhouse Shelter*



WHEN: DECEMBER 17, 2011
WHERE: GREATER WALTERS A.M.E. ZION CHURCH
8422 S. DAMEN AVE
CHICAGO, IL
TIME: 3:00 -4:30 PM

Greenhouse Shelter, a program of Connections for Abused Women and their Children, formerly Chicago Abused Women Coalition, is Chicago’s oldest program for victims of domestic violence. Full to capacity 365 days a year, Greenhouse served 273 women and children in 2010. To help meet the daily living needs of those women and children, donations of the following products are greatly appreciated.

• Art supplies (brushes, paint, clay, colored pencils)
• Transit cards (anything except a 30 day pass)
• Journals
• Family size toiletries
• Family size laundry detergent
• Diapers (especially sizes 4, 5, 6)
• Construction paper, drawing paper, butcher paper
• Household cleaning supplies
• Baby wipes, lotions, shampoos
• New underwear and socks (women and children sizes)
• Grocery store gift cards
• Small self-care bags
• Pocket or monthly calendars
• Paper products – toilet paper, paper towels, napkins
• Towels and wash cloths
• NEW backpacks and school supplies (scissors, glue, notebooks, folders, binders, calculators)
• Used cell phones

NO USED CLOTHING, SHOES OR TOYS

For more information, contact Felicia Simpson at (312)523-7477

What is Felicia Talking About Now?

Ok so I am randomly posting my thoughts on Facebook and Twitter today for a reason, in case you're wondering, what is Felicia talking about now? So earlier today, I'm cleaning out my flash drive of old photos for blogs I've posted to make room and stumbled across a file that said "Book". Nothing stood out to me so naturally, I double-clicked and POOF, there's a novel I started writing last year on 9/28/10 and did not finish it. Confession, the "book" only has three paragraphs and no title which leaves me with not too much to work with. As the usual ritual I do before I write, I asked God what he wanted me to write about? S-E-X-U-A-L A-B-U-S-E almost screamed out me from the inside. I potted big time and said, "No, God please not another sad and depressing issue to write about." Here's the issue I have, two books have been about domestic violence and the last book is about HIV/AIDS..... that's 3 out 4 books about serious issues in our community. That one book left is a women's devotional book. I feel as if people are gonna start seeing me as the "serious writer about diseases and violence." Which I don't want to be known for. I want to write about "girly" and happier issues and topics.

Here are my Facebook status and Tweets from today so far:

You ever heard God speak to you about doing something that you just flat out don't want to do? <---- yep just had my moment lol but I know better and better get to doing it

Last thought I just had: God will take you to some places you've never been before and give you the courage to write about it

I have to say this again, this message came from my good friend Nicole and it slapped me in my face when I read it on her blog:

"Your gifts will be used to help others, encourage them, inspire them, maybe even bring them closer to God. God can use you through your gift to draw someone closer to Him."

I've never been sexually abused as a child but I know that there are people out there who have been, so I can see God's reasons for this, uummmmm but why me to write about it is my ONLY question? I'm seeing a trend with my novels, domestic violence, HIV/AIDS and now I'm to write about sexual abuse? Will this trend of important issues that plague our communities, ever end in my writing career (I'm claiming that)? I don't know, I guess we'll have to stay tuned to find out ..........

SCREAM

I've been silenced far too long

the neighbors can hear your screams anyway

the dishes rattle on the counter

the walls are intimate with your back and head

He apologized

To show how sorry he really was

Sex was given to you as your first gift

Roses delivered in the morning

Cycle repeats itself yet again

Scream

Let out what has been hurting you

take responsibilty for your part

loose fear from your inner being

Forgive yourself

Hold your head up

and take your power back

Your love is crawling away from him

Five minutes later you're calling me a

B-I-T-C-H

S-L-U-T

and any other word that my mother did not sign to

My face and hands live on the floors of this place

tears cleanse the blood stains on the floors

I lost my voice and control a long time ago

How can I get it back?

How did I get to such a lonely place?

The answers to those questions lies within

Now it's time for me to

break the silence and

S-C-R-E-A-M

POEM: IN THE MORNING

Heard the birds singing

smelled the coffee brewing

Kids are up

morning paper delivered

Work day ahead for me

Slept good last night

Not a nightmare in sight

Rise and shine, it's morning

To all things that God created,

here's a chance at something new

Today, claim your victory

Lend a helping hand

Cherish your loved ones

Hug and kiss the elderly

Pray for your children

Read your Bible

Thank Him for another breath to live

Repent and start over

In the morning,

life is abundant with

new possiblities

Leave the bad dreams on your pillows

Carry the good dreams with you

I know tomorrow lies ahead of you

but for now enjoy

in the morning

where the bird sings

and my love is worn like a silk scarf

embracing destiny

In the evening, life throws a curve

but it's something about

in the morning,

TRAVELING TO AN UNKNOWN PLACE

*picture taken by Demetrius G.*

So here's the deal, my boyfriend wants me to travel way across the country, I'm talking about a 15 hour flight to Amsterdam. Wowzer!!! This place is not the beaches in Miami, the shows in Las Vegas or even dreams of me sipping Mijotos in Mexico. This is a place for me, nevertheless that's unfamiliar. Now I'm a dare devil when it comes to doing new things in my life, especially when it comes to A New Me Foundation. A person standing in the same room as me would never know I was scared straight before doing any public speaking. So why let my fears dance with me now? Did you read the title to this blog? TRAVELING TO AN UNKNOWN PLACE. My boyfriend recently visited Amsterdam and took a lot of exotic pictures. Amsterdam is a beautiful place according to the pictures, so what's holding me back from this experience? My friends look at me like I'm crazy for even having these thoughts on my brain and they would have been on the first plane flying over there, if the invitation had been extended to them.

I think about Jesus and all of the places He traveled and behold, it wasn't as bad for Him, traveling to unknown places....people greeted Him with gifts, food and celebrations of His arrival.......so why do I insist on having the, as we say on Twitter, the *Kanye shrug* whenever it's time to plan this trip? Is it the number of hours I'll be flying? Is it just too far away from home? Does it requires to much to go over there (i.e. passports, probably exchanges of the U.S. dollars, etc)? Or down right, undeniable ........it's just FEAR.

FEAR will trap and smother you if you let it. Fear of flying is easy to conquer.....you can take a short trip somewhere. But the fear of traveling to unfamiliar places and not to mention, not far from AFGHANISTAN, is a whole nothing pill to swallow. I know the Bible verse very well, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

Now of course after much thought on this, I needed to define fear for myself which is:

Fear (noun): a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afraid.

Readers, this is the time I am seeking your advice on how to conquer this fear I have of going to Amsterdam. Let me know how do you get over your fears? Advice on how to help me get over my fears in this situation.

THESE SHOES

Looking at them on the wall

amongst others

Brightly decorated with the

color of a juicy apple

I wonder what event I can wear

them to

Maybe not an event but

an exclusive meeting

with me and him

It takes a lot of confidence

to rock these shoes

Sparkles are the outline

The artist is familiar

with the arch of my feet

to have made these

shoes a perfect fit

just for me

Men stare at my legs

and whenever I wear these shoes

the men and my alter ego

will speak in unison

It takes a lot of patience

to rock these shoes

Many have tried but this shoe

has my name written all over it

The way I walk builds my confidence

Men become prey to

My feet as they dance on the soles of

these shoes

These shoes will guide me

through the world

Whether I'm taking small

steps towards success

or seducing my lover

these shoes were made just for walking

THE EFFECTS OF VERBAL & MENTAL ABUSE

Looking at this title, I'd have to separate the two automatically in order to define them:

Verbal Abuse is saying things that are cruel and hurtful, this person (abuser) may degrade you, curse you, or run down your accomplishments.

Mental/Emotional Abuse is any behavior where someone is attacked verbally, manipulated and or controlled. These behaviors cause the person (victim) to feel afraid, confused, overwhelmed, threatened, powerless, crazy, inadequate, frustrated, or rejected.

Both of these definitions came from the Connections for Abused Women and their Children (C.A.W.C.) 40 Hour Domestic Violence Training Manual. I often refer to this manual. But I see the relationship between the two nonetheless. Moving on, let's explore the effects of these two terms from a victim's perspective. Although no physical scars from being beaten, victims are left with the following (in no specific order and not limited to):

Fear, communication failures with potential partners, low self-esteem, depression, never healing from that abusive relationship/marriage, trust issues with others besides in an intimate relationship, suicide, mental shutdown, anxiety, isolation, weight loss or weight gain, self mutilation, alcohol and/or drug abuse, etc.

These effects are similar to what the victim experiences while in the domestic violence relationship, so if left untreated, they carry it with them once they become or if they become a survivor.

Those effects listed above can be short or long term, depending on the person (victim). For myself it took a lot of time and prayers to build my self esteem back up and it is still a work in progress. Talk to a victim and I promise you that they will assure you that the verbal and emotional abuse lasts longer than the physical abuse did/does. You carry around words and memories not scars. Scars heal and some disappear. But hurtful words and mental pictures live inside of you.

People ask me do I ever cry while giving a speaking engagement about my past? My answer is NO (although I wonder why too). I think it's mainly because I'm pushing through my emotions and visuals of my past to get God's word delivered to His people. Do I cry alone when I think about what I went through ........ YES!!!!! Very often! I am a crybaby so words and emotions hurt me easily. So the effects of verbal and mental abuse was long term for me. It has taken me years to get to this point in my life to be confident in myself and what happened in my life to share with others and to know that I am NOT what my ex husband said that I was or was gonna be.

The effects of verbal and mental abuse is to each it's own. My exposure of domestic violence may be different or the same as yours. Whatever the case is, start the process of forgiveness, healing, prayers and professional help as in therapy (if needed).

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!!!!

WHAT DOES GOD SAY?

My heart is peeling open Lord

clean it from all malice

renew my mind and my spirit

Take my wounds and heal them

Let the smile that form on my lips now

be a shadow to the frown that once dwelled there

The enemy is after my soul

HELP Lord, I don't know how much longer

I can hold on to Your unchanging hands

Peace lives next door to me but evil sleeps with me

Midnight chokes me nightly

with battles in my mind

The enemy has his hands on my life

God do you hear me?

Please save me!!!!

Somebody prayed for me

I prayed for me but the wrath of

the evil one is prevailing

My faith is slipping

my confidence is being extracted from my loins

I'm angry

I'm hurt

I feel defeated

My heart is peeling open Lord

clean it from all malice

renew my mind and my spirit

The enemy spoke words to me

He said I was nothing without him

My past will never go away

He will always win

God is not listening to me

the victory is his

God, this can't be true

You told me the battle belongs to You

You were there for me then

where are You now?

I try my best to live right

and do right by others

but the enemy is sucking life

right out me and I feel like

giving up

God:

My child, have I not delivered Daniel from the lion's den?

Have I not saved Jonah from the belly of the whale?

Did I not raise Jesus the Christ from the cross?

What more will I do for you?

I'll tell you, I'll give you more than you could ever

ask for think or imagine!

I have the final say over your life not the enemy

I love you and I am with you

Be not dismayed in your trials

Call on my name and the enemy has to flee

I am omnipresent- EVERYWHERE

I am omnipotent- ALMIGHTY

I am omniscient- ALL KNOWING

Declare to your storms to be far removed from you and watch the presence

of the Lord unfold in your life

Reach out to me and say yes to My will

I know you can't see what I'm doing in your life right now

But TRUST me and seek My kingdom of righteousness

You will be blessed beyond measures

My peace I leave with you and My peace I give to you

God, I Trust You!!!!

Turning a new leap of faith is a mark for me, that I've noticed has NOT been a challenge. By now you should know that I've been a victim of domestic violence and my ex-husband will surface every now and then with evil actions towards me. I have been very strong and straight forward about my personal life. I trust GOD not man to deliver me out of evil. I don't think that I'm excused from persecution. I feel like I'm the best candidate for the job. If Jesus, died on the cross for me and my sins and the sins of the world, surely every now and then, life can throw some darts at me. Do I like these darts that's been thrown at me? Of course not, but my faith and confidence in the Lord is much stronger now than when I was a victim of domestic violence.

I don't believe fighting evil with evil.... I've tried that plenty of times to get the same outcome: IT DOESN'T HELP THE SITUATION. I have noticed however, that when evil rises up against me, and my discipline remains steadfast on the Lord's will, BLESSINGS come in abundance to me. I like the latter outcome better. Sure, I'm human and want to respond and have a full blown fight with evil but my life is destined for greatness. With that being said, I fight evil with prayer, love and forgiveness. Material things can be replaced and I value my life and the lives of my family more.

I might can't see the blessings in front of me but I know that they are on their way. I get frustrated too and loose my temper at times, remember I'm human. But what sets me apart is that I control my frustrations and temper. The heat is turned up in hell right now because God pulled me out of the pits from hell and not only did He pull me out, but He gave me a POWERFUL testimony, to help others. So I know satan and his crew is camping out, around and in my life awaiting any opportunity to get me to backslide. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!!

Writing is my therapy and the enemy knows that too. What I write down GOD breathes, produces and manifest not only in my life but in others, His forgiveness, encouragement, love and mercy. Blessings are on their way in my life and the lives of others and it's time for me (and you if applicable) to put on the FULL armor of God and let the Lord fight these battles. I have blessings to receive and not concern myself with the work of the enemy. God doesn't need my help in that area. I'm covered in His blood and righteousness and y'all know the scripture......NO WEAPON FORMED ME SHALL PROSPER!

Pray for me and with me that as an advocate of domestic violence in a society filled with anger and hurt people that hurt people, God will keep His hands on my life. May God bless you in all that you do and be encouraged.

I leave you with this song because it is a song that I play often to meditate and feed my spirit to at times:

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

FEAR & LONELINESS

We've come to know each other quite well

bitterness engulfed our friendship

Not a man or a friend to call my own

I pushed people away because of

the heavy load I carry with me

I'm afraid to get close to someone

and find true love

that was written just for me

My back slides down the crease in my walls

that's where my altar of loneliness confides

This is the place where my representative

is not welcomed

This is where the real me steps forward

and sets the scene

Pills race down my throat

Evil spirits fill my mind

I don't like feeling this way

but yet I feel safer here

Tears are my garments

What am I afraid of?

Don't know how I arrived here

nor how long I'm staying

Cover my eyes with dark hues

praying no one will notice the

delicate soul underneath

Watching everyone else enjoy life

I peak behind the seamstress curtains

and silently wish that it was me

I can't take a step forward

because of the unknown

So I stand still

and watch the milestones

of others pass by

Loneliness and fear visited me one day

bought me white flowers as a gift

that's the least they could do

They were the only ones offering

their condolences

Loneliness and fear took my last breath

No one knew because I remained enclosed

in a room that pills and evil spirits

had the keys to

Now take my lessons learned and live!!!!

PRECIOUS FLOWER

Silk petals cover you

your interior is where treasure dwells

Moisture trickles down your stem

Massive waterfalls nourish you

sunlight keeps you aroused

Precious flower

Your sprouts are the seats

of your affection

Selective tones are discerned

depending on the rays of the sun

Your fragerance is of honey

mixed with vanilla

sprinkled cinnamon to describe

a finishing glow

Bees want a private conversation

with you

Worms lust upon your roots

and nectar stimulates the birds

Precious flower

when I peel back the layers

of your petals

it gives a timeline of endless encounters,

like a first love

Deeply planted in the soils of passion

of all these things that

creates and fertilize you

to me you are simply a

precious flower

I HAD A HARD DAY

SLAMS the door

glasses break

damn I had a hard day

It didn't start out this way

Gathered my thoughts

pushed yours off

tried to keep cool

but the lines were crossed

I had a hard day

don't want to talk about it

Just want to retreat to the

privacy of liquid the fills

the brim

Held my head down

kicked my faith to the side

Anger arose

Words fought against my chest

Looking for a way out

This person had something to say

I had something to say

Silent screams of mine can

be heard from a mountaintop

I had a hard day

Early morning meditations

didn't last long

Shit, by the time I hit the

front porch

I cursed three times

Now I just want to be left alone

Tried to refocus

but I was too far gone

Apologies need to keep it moving

Like a verse to my favorite song

Is it too late?

Never, so here I go again

Shouting don't change nothing

but the release feels

like the greatest orgasm

A night cap consists of the walls

having the deepest conversations with me

This rage I feel must come to an end

I can't end the night the way it began

Reflecting back over my choices

throwing tantrums

Let the chips fall where they may

decided to just throw my hands up and confess

I had a hard day

WHAT IS A DREAM?

What is a dream?

Is it what my mind creates while I'm asleep?

What about the fictious explanations of what I want to

see in my future?

Can I manifest my dreams?

Who unlocks the mystery of my dreams?

Can I place who I want

where I want them

in to my dreams?

Life is a dream!!!

Well at least some people

believe that

I was told that life is a long

dream while awaiting the winning

ticket to enter into eternal life

I said I was gonna do something

and did it

so why don't I ever dream?

Unconsciously I articulate what

I want, but too afraid to say it

Consciously I boast on things that I have imagined

Conquered my fears

Reality exists

My dreams are somewhere in the rear

What is a dream?

My audience is

a pillow and blanket

I tell them my innermost thoughts

My dreams are collections of journeys

I've traveled

Some dreams are scary, long lasting and untraceable

others are filled with lustful theories

that will soon become facts

What is a dream?

Dreams are a vision board

of what you put into existence

Play the audio of your dreams

What story does it tell?

Be the author of your dreams

Claim your destiny!!!!

INTERSECTIONS BETWEEN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & HIV/AIDS

This is a subject that I almost ALWAYS talk about with domestic violence...... the intersections between domestic violence and HIV/AIDS. Preparing for a week ahead at the United States Conference on AIDS at the Sheraton Hotel downtown (Nov. 9-13th), of course poses this topic that I hope will be discussed at some point at the conference. I always ask this question to those that I encounter at a domestic violence workshop that I facilitate: if a victim of domestic violence doesn't have control in their relationship, is it safe to assume that they do not have condom negotiation options with their partner? To answer this question, I've created a PowerPoint slide presentation on this subject as well and the answer is yes. But I'll just briefly give you an overview of how domestic violence and HIV/AIDS can at some point intersect one with the other. Therefore, causing the batterer and or victim to engage in risky behaviors that causes HIV infection.

Well, what are some high risk behaviors for HIV?

*Sharing needles and syringes

*Unprotected sex

*Alcohol abuse (under the influence, partner may not use protection during intercourse)

* Engaging in transactional sex

-sexual relationships where the giving of gifts or services is an important factor. Transactional sex relationships are distinct from other kinds of prostitution, in that the transactional sex provides only a portion of the income of the person providing the sex. Those offering sex may or may not feel affection for their patrons (wikepedia.com)

How can we make a detour from new HIV infections after knowing the information above?

Behavior changes for the victim is a start! GET TESTED!!!!! If you are HIV positive, get in to some type of Linkage to Care program. If you are HIV positive and take your prescribed medicine(s) CONSISTENTLY..... you will have a longer life span. Erase out of your mind that HIV/AIDS is a death sentence.

HIV positive victims also experience barriers of seeking help and treatment due to:

*Batterer may disclose the victim status if they are aware of it or uses it to manipulate the victim

*Batterer is the financial provider and prevents the victim from getting HIV medicine(s)

*Victim fears increased violence from the partner if they disclose their positive HIV status

*Victim is denial of recent HIV diagnosis

*Victim blames self for batterers violence

African American WOMEN have the highest cases of HIV. Here are 10 facts about HIV/AIDS that you should know:

http://www.who.int/features/factfiles/hiv/en/index.html

I am sometimes called the "Condom lady" because everywhere I go, I'm passing out free condoms and BREAKING THE SILENCE about domestic violence and HIV/AIDS!! The statistics are brutal enough, that I do all that I can to help PREVENT new cases of HIV.

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I hope this information was informative and if you want to get tested, please call:

HIV/STD Testing Hotline

• (800) 682-3047

TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED

It's that time of year again where everything that could go wrong........ does go wrong!!!! What should you do? What can you do about STRESS? I'm always working on a project for A New Me Foundation these days, so me and stress are like first cousins. The way I deal with stress is learning when to take a break! You can't do everything, for everybody all of the time. What good is it, if you're so busy trying to help others out while your health is fading away? It does nothing at all but increases your stress levels and may cause panic or heart attacks or the body may react in the opposite direction and shut down, such as depression.

People ask me how do I complete all of the projects I'm doing and still have time to work and raise kids? I tell you all ..... all of the time.....WRITE YOUR VISIONS DOWN!!! When I feel stressed or pressured about an upcoming event, I do the following (in no specific order), I look at my calendar and locate "when" is the deadline or date the event is happening. I sternly and seriously ask myself: is this deadline realistic? What can be executed now to relieve some stress?....... Usually money to fund events that I host for A New Me Foundation is the stress magnet for me. I don't worry much about anything else. My only question is HOW AM I GONNA PAY TO PULL THIS OFF?

If you know anything about me, you know I'm not good with sitting on my dreams or housing my goals in my head. Nope.... that's not me! Once that goal hits that piece of paper in my journal, HOUSTON, we have a lift off. I began to work on that goal ASAP!

The saying (call it cliche if you want). "Too blessed to be stressed" is remarkable. Someone had to remind me awhile ago while I was stressing over money as usual, that I was connected to my Source and that He has provided me with plenty of financial blessings and surely He wasn't throwing in the towel on me now. I'm not crazy, I hurried up and deposited that word in my soul and immediately cast stress out!!!

I ALWAYS recite this scripture whenever I'm stressed out too.... you can also find it several times written in my journal.... told y'all, me and stress are like first cousins LOL ....

Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

This scripture navigates my mind back in order. I am too blessed to be stressed over anything, especially the things and people that are NOT good for me. Now releasing stress takes practice for some. That other saying, it's easier said than done", will be a remaining factor for some people. Stress not only will cause uber chaos in your life, it can also be your demise, meaning death.

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What is the cause of all of this stress? Well, three-quarters of Americans say that money and work are the leading causes of stress, while 51 percent said the housing crisis was also a contributor. Upon closer examination, however, you can find a common thread woven throughout each and every major cause of stress, and that is a loss or lack of control. ( http://community.sedona.com/letting-go-articles/564-leading-cause-stress-why-so-prevalent-economy.html )

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Now this says something to me and I have become very familiar with these causes of stress in my own life recently. If you find yourself, like me, stressed out a lot or a little, here's some ways we can relieve our stress together:

*Write in a journal

*Cut back on some commitments you've made

*Jog, yoga, talk a long walk

*Talk to a trusted friend/family member to get your feelings out

*Listen to soothing/inspirational music

* Play games with your children

Those are just a few ideas here are more ways that you can relieve stress:

http://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/stress-management-relieving-stress

Last , but not least, domestic violence causes stress as well for a victim. I lost so much weight when I was in an abusive relationship due to the enormous amount of stress that I dealt with. You should not have to walk around your partner or in life on egg shells due to fear which leads to stress. Stress can also lead you to roads of unhealthy lifestyles and behaviors. I used to smoke cigarettes just to deal with the abuse from my partner and thank God now, I can't stand to even be next to someone who is smoking cigarettes.

Prayerfully this has helped you take a load off of some stressful things in your life and get you back focused to create a STRESS FREE life. After all, you are TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED!!!!

Here's a song I often meditate to and definitely use to relieve stress in my life:

Poem: The Wind

The wind seeping through my window tonight

reminds me of your gentle love

the cool air tickles my bosom

A love strong enough to protect me

and gentle enough to embrace me

Love Jones is a movie

that reflects the undying love

I feel for you, no matter

the circumstances or distance between us

My favorite scene is whenever this pencil

kisses the pages of my heart

The magic the words creates

draws us closer

Each moment spent with you is never obsolete

I hold onto them with compassion

The thought of you makes my heart beat faster

The sound of your voice makes my legs

tremor like a village awaiting a volcano to erupt

Pushing my feelings out....
hoping that these feelings we have last forever

There's so much that is positioned ahead of us

you keep the foundation clear

so that someday we can enjoy our destiny

Patience is a virtue that I'm chasing

anxious, pressure, frustration and peace I feel

all of those things align my mind in the meantime

The wind seeping through my window tonight

started out as a cool tickle upon my bosom

but now it has carried me back into the arms

of my beloved

I'VE MOVED ON

I've moved on

yesterday is over

today was a start

tomorrow is an introduction

to the rest of my life

I've moved on

from hurting and feeling like

there's no way out of here

Behold, God has given me a

better path to take

I've moved on

to a better life for me & my kids

a life with goals and dreams of my own

no more will you control my destiny

I've moved on

to a place of peace

no weapons formed against me shall prosper

the poisonous words you left on my soul have

moved on

No longer will I stand still & be disrespected

No longer will I let your hands touch me in anger

No longer will the sounds of your voice alert me that danger lies ahead

I have my own voice now

through steadfast prayers and through out the writings in my journal

which helped me go beyond what I saw in front of me

You came for me because you thought that my love for you was still there

Sadly, no one told that..... I've moved on!!

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN OUR COMMUNITIES!!!

VOLUNTEERS AT THE PACIFIC GARDEN MISSION

On October 29th, A New Me Foundation and 10 volunteers went to the Pacific Garden Mission this place provides immediate services for homeless men, women and children. The experience was amazing!! I had a great time and the volunteers had a great time as well. I took my son, daughter and niece with me. The people or "guests" there gave me a new perspective on life and how I "view" homeless people. Not all of them are "mentally-ill bums". They had the best and humbled spirits, wore suits and SMILED at us the entire time. We often think that life is full of problems and stress. They (guests at Pacific Garden Mission) showed me that God is life and He can make the worst/ugly situations in your life ....... BEAUTIFUL!!!!

To see all of the pictures you will need to "Like" A New Me Foundation Facebook page.

Homelessness and domestic violence have a definitely relationship one with the other. Go out in your communities and help those in need and continue to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!

If you would like to volunteer with A New Me Foundation, please email Felicia Simpson at anewmef@gmail.com

SOUND THE ALARMS

There is a passion that burns in my soul. There is a song that I sing to keep peace still in my life. Sound the alarm and let the enemy know that God has a divine purpose for your life. You may not agree with it...... or even understand it. Die to the flesh daily that would beg for others acceptance. Mountains will be moved at the sound of His voice. This moment was written in HIStory for He knows all and sees all. The enemy knows you and has dined with you. He came to steal your joy, happiness and the divine purpose of your life. God's angels are camped out all around you and are ready to help take back anything that the enemy has stolen from you. Do not be impressed by his smile, vocabulary or credentials, you see God made you in His image, and there is no achievement greater than that. Sound the alarm, your breakthrough is on deck!

You think God has forgotten about you? You think you're not worthy enough to receive His blessings? The Bible says:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. New International Version (©1984)

He hears you and knows all about you.

Sound the alarms and let the enemy know that TODAY is the day that you will be free from the bondage of depression and defeat, that once clothe you.

Sound the alarms and tell satan to, "Get thee behind me!" Say it boldly with confidence about the God you serve. It's not easy being you. That's why there's a fight for your life. In one corner the enemy is telling you to "give up" and "give in." Over there in the VICTORY corner is Jesus the Christ, who died for your sins, mine and the sins of the world. When the enemy calls DON'T answer.....God has him on speed dial, and He will deal with him later. Life is what you make it! God has given you a platform to speak out loud against your adversaries and declare that, "no weapon formed against you shall prosper!"

Sound the alarm and proclaim today that with God, ALL things are possible!

Be Blessed :-)

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FACTS POEM

(Domestic violence facts are following the "*" asterisk mark)

*One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

Ladies, look to your left and then to your right, a woman in this place has been a victim of domestic violence.

* Ninety-five percent of domestic violence victims are women.

Women, hold you head up.....we as a neighbor in your community, can and will decrease this percentage.

* Children are also victims.

To the child that hides in the closet after the abuse is over, we hear you. Domestic violence has no age requirement!

* Two out of five women are murdered by their husbands or partners.

As the preacher says, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust".......my sister, we place this white flower on your grave site yearly, in remembrance of your presence. May your soul rest in peace and may God bless your soul with eternal life. You will never be forgotten!

* Battering often occurs during pregnancy. Thirty percent of victims have been physically abused while pregnant, making domestic violence of the leading causes of birth defects.

Pregnancy, another beautiful gift from God. Your abuser doesn't see it that way. Instead, he uses your pregnancy as an excuse to violently hit, kick and punch your stomach. Leaving the child that passes through the birth canal already damaged and torn in life. Or worse, the child never saw the light of day.....he/she died inside the mother's womb.

* During the six month period following an incident of domestic violence, approximately thirty-two percent of women are victimized again.

A woman will leave her abusive partner at a minimum of six times to only return to because of his sweet sounds of "I'm sorry, I promise I won't hit or hurt you again." But we know the ending to this story.......he does hit her again, and again, and again........

* Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviors and tactics used by one person over another to gain power and control. (www.mass.gov)

If you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship or marriage there is help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800)799-7233

BREAK THE SILENCE!!!

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF.....& PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME!!!!!

I have read countless comments on social medias from single women that have ended one relationship and one week later have begun another one. GET TO KNOW YOURSELF ......& PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME! When a woman or man for that matter, does this self gratifying act, you miss key issues and personality traits that lies within yourself and this new partner.

Dating is meant to be fun and if there is a key player on the fields of dating, the chance to make commitments and see where things press on from there. EVERYBODY YOU DATE IS NOT TO BE VISIONED TO ESCORT YOU DOWN THE AISLE LADIES. Don't miss out on the fun of dating because you're too busy picking out what color your brides maids dresses will be. You will scare the man away before a second date could be scheduled. I AM NOT A RELATIONSHIP GURU.....but some things and with experience, have just come naturally to me as common sense.

I told a co-worker that I am just enjoying my life right now with my boyfriend. I have learned from my mistakes of past failed relationships and dating horror stories, to share a few tips here. I feel that after a break up you need time to reflect, heal, and FOCUS on you and those around you. YES THAT SHOULD BE DONE PRIOR TO THE RELATIONSHIP AS WELL. But for those of you that are pretty much hard headed after me, it usually happens after.

I am the first to admit that in the past, I would date guys and do whatever it was that they wanted and expected of me to do..... kind of the go along with their theory to keep the peace and keep the man....... BIGGEST MISTAKES IN MY LIFE!!! This is not a male bashing blog, I have no problem doing things that my partner wants me to do but at this point in my life, I have my own identity that allows me to acknowledge that their must be balance in the relationship. It took me to get away to a quiet little city known as Milwaukee in Wisconsin, to get to know ME. I asked myself the following questions (this was after a breakup):

1.) What do I like to do?

2.) What is it in life, that I want to achieve?

3.) What kind of life do I want for my children, that will allow them to contribute to society?

Simple, three questions! That's what I thought and the answers to these questions are written in my journal. You see, I had just broken up with my boyfriend and life was all about him and his needs so I was a confused being when I was alone. The question, "So now what do I do?" was ever present on the tip of my tongue. I had no clue that I enjoyed writing, reading, having discussions about topics of the world and the Bible, etc. EVERYTHING had been about my partner. It took awhile for me to discover for myself the things that I like and the things that I didn't. It also helped me to identify later on while dating, those individuals that I could commit to and those that don't stand a chance.

I say all of this to say, that there is a time in life, where you need to know yourself and be ok with who you are before committing to a relationship that's doomed from the start. A relationship should "add value to your life" (Pastor Jamal Harrison Bryant), not take from it. This statement does not mean financial value - although there is a component for financial value - but for the purpose of this blog: TWO WHOLE PEOPLE SHOULD COME TOGETHER TO CREATE A UNION. Why would you want a partner that hasn't healed from their past in your life? Vice verse why would you give unto your partner, an unstable being?

I'm gonna give you a moment here to reflect on that!

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF .......& PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME!!

The person you were a month, year or five years ago should NOT be the same person with the same thoughts.... TODAY! If you don't see growth in your life.........life has passed you by and you need to get with positive influences and get on board of this train we call LIFE.

Don't spend another moment in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. Ask God for the strength to deliver you out of it! I am a witness that He will and I read this scripture almost daily to myself, and I'm gonna pass it on to you:

Isaiah 61

The Year of the Lord's Favor

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,because the Lord has anointed meto preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,to proclaim freedom for the captivesand release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]

² to proclaim the year of the Lord's favorand the day of vengeance of our God,to comfort all who mourn,³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beautyinstead of ashes,the oil of gladnessinstead of mourning,and a garment of praiseinstead of a spirit of despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness,a planting of the Lordfor the display of his splendor.

That which is in bold in that scripture, is my favorite and I apply it to myself.....He will give me beauty (blessings) for my ashes (setbacks, trials and tribulations). You have to love a God that will declare His unconditional love for you.

I would not be serving my purpose if the thoughts in my soul did not pour out in abundance in this blog. Think about what I've said, use it in your life and pass it on to that friend or family member that has not cleansed their mind, body and soul from one relationship, before jumping into another one.

I leave you with uptmost love and inspiration with this video to meditate on:

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN OUR COMMUNITIES!!!!

POEM: NO ONE KNOWS

When I see you, I feel angry

but your tears force me to have compassion

You say, you love me, but what is to you? One minute you can't live without me and in the next moment, you are that person that could make this......be....my.....last .......breath

Fighting, yelling, screaming, crying.....doors slam.....sex......doors open

That becomes my survival method

Enclosed by these walls that is the gatekeeper to our violent secret

No one knows

I hide from embarrassment

No one knows the suicidal thoughts that play in my mind, like an innocent child in a playground

If I keep quiet....

MAN DOWN!

The bullet that was meant for me detoured and pierced his soul

Now two lives become another statistic:

one lies in a grave

one lies behind the iron bars of cruel and unusual punishment

NO ONE KNOWS..... what a victim of domestic violence goes through in the United States

Every 15 seconds a woman is abused

but, NO ONE KNOWS.... the hour, date and time when domestic violence will end

NO ONE KNOWS.....

NO ONE KNOWS!!!!!!

This poem was written to encourage the victim of domestic violence that is locked behind bars because at some point she/he got fed up and in act of fear and rage committed the crime of murder to the abuser. This poem was written to also educate us on our judicial system and if we as society don't hurry and break the silence of domestic violence, our men and women will be taken from our homes and leaving our children in maximum filled institutions.

Be blessed!

D.V.A.M.??????

D.V.A.M. = DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

Every October, we observe the month to reflect on the previous year, remember those that have passed away due to this crime and continue the fight to ending domestic violence. This is a serious time of the month for me. If you know me or have read anything that I've posted or published, you know my tag line is: BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. This is the time of year that advocates like myself, use as many platforms that we can to bring more awareness to our families, communities and political arenas. Is this the only time of the year that we speak out against domestic violence? Of course not!

DVAM is not the only month that women and men wear purple or place purple ribbons everywhere. I always get amazed at the story or testimony that comes from a person that is wearing purple or showcasing their ribbon. You never know who is a victim, survivor, friend or family member of the first two. Maybe it's just their job at a local agency or shelter. Whatever their story is, domestic violence has affected them in way or another.

I am in the start up phase of A New Me Foundation filing to be a tax exempt foundation. So during DVAM I am gaining as much statistics on funding cycles and grants awarded and budgets cuts made to other agencies that are domestic violence, service providers. I am using this month to extend networking opportunities with other agencies to help crisis victims that can't always go to shelters and chooses to stay at home with their abusive partners. I am using this time to use the gift that God has blessed me with: going out into the communities and facilitating several speaking engagements at churches, dinners and plays. This month my foundation will take volunteers to a homeless shelter to help service the needs of those that live there. Someone living there at the homeless shelter could be the result of the "no room at the domestic violence shelter" policy and had no other choice but to go there for safety.

A New Me Foundation along with F.A.C.E.I.T. (Friends Advocating for Causes Effectively Immediately Today), will be hosting a Relationship Forum at The Music Station on Thursday, October 27, 2011 from 8-11PM. The moderator for the evening will be the beautiful and funny comedienne Rashida "Buff Bay" Lucas. General Admission tickets are $10 and V.I.P. tickets are $35. This forum is to gather men and women together to openly discuss issues, challenges and promote healthy relationship alternatives to those that have the challenges. This forum creates a safe place for men and women to have a discussion that in one way or another break the cycles of violence but hopefully began new lives and new possibilities of ways of thinking and acting in our relationship with others. There will be a panel of selected individuals to give there input on the questions the audience have as well.

DVAM is what you make it. Get the facts about domestic violence and start having conversations with those closest to you that will in turn, go out in to the communities and BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

My prayer is that you have read this and other blogs of mine and have been inspired to do something to help empower our women, men and their children that have suffered from this traumatic experience and crime. May God continue to lift up the family members of those that carry on the torch and legacy of those that have passed away. Your hard work is not in vain.