JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck....my past kept haunting me in my mind and traveled downward to my heart. It started the night before when out of nowhere, I erupted tears of sadness to a friend about my decision on getting a divorce earlier this year. Everything on the outside of my body and life is an abundance of blessings on top of blessings, and then fear, guilt and worry always find a way back into the most intimate parts of my soul. They (fear, guilt and worry) were trying to convince me that maintaining healthy relationships with men and women were nonexistent in my life from now on. Yes, I have hundreds of Facebook friends and a Twitter addiction is not exaggerating my interaction on that social network daily. I say all of that to say, that I felt as if I have no one to talk to about the emotional roller coaster rides I experience in my life. I'm the one that is the domestic violence advocate, blogger, motivational speaker, mother, author, and so much more. So surely, I felt and honestly believed that I have to have my life in order at all times. Just reading that as I type this instantly let's me know my thinking cap clearly isn't on right. I looked at my process and the journey I've traveled over the year of 2010 and realized that a lot of steps I took to get through my divorce and even now afterwards have been spent alone or alone with God in my prayer closet. Of course that is fine and no harm done in that spiritual relationship.

My advice:You should seek God first and always while making ANY decision(s).

I'm opening up my heart to you now because I feel that if you have experienced a traumatic experience such as domestic violence, heartbreak, death, illness or whatever that has placed a pause or slowed your life down, NEVER go through it alone. Always, always share your stories, triumphs with others through those storms and continue to reach out for help, if and whenever you need to. I'll say it if you need me to: find a special person in your life that is a just a phone call away! Sometimes we just need a friend that has that listening ear, if nothing else. Often times, once we start our venting or pity party sessions, a lot of answers to questions you might have had, will be revealed to you.

Lean on and trust on that trusted friend when you need them the most. Note to yourself, that's what they are there for!!!! I pray that all of your days will be filled with love and happiness but if you find a day in your life that has thrown that balance off.....consider talking to that person that is just a phone call away........and technology keeps changing, someone brilliant invented the video call system of Skype, now you can not only talk to your friends and family, but you can actually see them while you talk to them.


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

MY STAR PLAYER

Everyone, meet my star player of the NBA league, DERRICK ROSE!! Would I blog about him? YES!!! Other people do and actually get paid a nice penny too, nontheless. I on the other hand is indeed his #1 fan. I admire his humble spirit on and off the court. He is the "go to guy" on the team but yet, doesn't mind sharing the spotlight to make fast-paced decisions amongst other teammates. Sort of reminds me of myself! He gives back to the community and lives as close to a normal life as anyone else as possible. You know money and celeb status does change some people, but I can say not for this player.

DERRICK ROSE is also in transitioning phases in life like myself. He has emerged from his rookie year to the All-Star last year and if you all continue to vote for him, he will make the All-Star team next year and I see a championship ring or two in his future. A lot of respect has to be given to a player who is eager to grow and become the best player that they can be unlike some other NBA players that I won't even bother mentioning.

Those are just a few of the reasons why I admire that man dressed in the garments of the CHICAGO BULLS jersey with what other number could he be.............. #1

HAPPY PINK HOLIDAYS

I love the color PINK! It's my favorite color and sexiest color in the Crayola box. I thought about how this would be a great bedazzled stocking stuffer for your significant others, boo's and wives men: any shade of PINK eye shadow by MAC Comestics. I personally prefer the darker shades of pink around my eyes. It brings out the fiesty side of me and the shy personality that overlaps that often, gets to take a break for the night.

Women: There is a dress that you have in your closet that is`screaming for attention from you.....throw that dress on and add a FIERCE shade of PINK eye shadow and watch the magic unfold. Now ladies beware that PINK is not for everyone to wear and it depends on what it is that you are wearing with it. So don't go out there and Twitpic a picture that is NOT, I repeat NOT....FIERCE and tell folks that I told you to do that to yourself LOL.


Men: Know your woman! Pay attention to the smallest features of her make-up that entice you and let your woman know what hues (colors) look good on her to avoid any mishaps on the runway of your bedroom. I am a woman and when a man notices the smallest things that I add to the evening, such as my make-up, it shows your interest in me even more. Don't just take my word for it, try it out and see the results......

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!! ROCK YOUR FIERCE PINK EYESHADOW FOR A DAY OR EVENING DURING THE HOLIDAYS!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A SAFE AND SEXY NEW YEARS TO ALL!!!

CAN MEN & WOMEN BE FRIENDS?

Wow.....that title and question is a blog all by itself, don't you think? I searched for topics to blog about today and even sought out feedback on the winner: Can Men & Women Be Friends?

My answer: I think that it is possible for men and women to be friends as long as it's an honest friendship. Now several sources today admitted of playing the friendship role after all other attempts failed. That is odd and creepy to me a little bit. I have very special male friends and some are even my bff's. I trust them completely and let my girly guards down and enjoy the friendship bond we share. So it would be hard for me to view them as anything else other than my friend. I hear this "settle for friend" approach from the guys pretty much but I wouldn't dare count the ladies out of feeling this way too. I wonder why is that?.......The logical foundation for building a relationship with someone is to become friends first......so why is it so difficult (for me at least) to turn a friendship into a potential relationship?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.......................

A Letter to my Readers

Dear Friends,

I heard Keyshia Cole say in her 106th & Park interview that she got tired of singing about heartaches and pain. Funny how I can relate, only I'm not singing but writing and advocating the painful memories for women that deal with domestic violence. I almost pulled the plug on everything: motivational speaking engagements, 2010 book release of "Forgiven, but Not Forgotten(sequel to God, Do I Hear Wedding Bells?), domestic violence blog website, website and all other venues that housed me a platform to speak on, or about domestic violence. It's a sad discussion and anybody that knows me, know that I am a bubbly, unique and fashionista inspired person..... add a bookworm in there somewhere and that perfectly describes me! So when I have to constantly talk about such a traumatic experience for other victims and survivors, it drains me literally.

Did I mention that I may have wanted to change the notes on my tunes and blog about lip gloss vs. lipstick, fashion, men, the single life and all other social collaborations of being a woman?.....A black woman at that. Then God sends a message in my heart and there I go blogging again....LOL....I'm not complaining, I recognize my gift and I do what thus saith the Lord, as much as possible. The joy I get is when a reader or follower of my blogs speak about the knowledge or wisdom they gained from what topic I spoke on. I even have a reader that challenges me to explore my topics and relate them to men. So you see, it's not always about what you want to do....it's about the assignment that God has for your life and if He was so kind to share that revelation with you, you better get busy my friend, doing His work.

I agree with Keyshia Cole announcement that she's over singing the old bitter ballads we've come to love her for and I share a multitude of painful experiences through life that has taught me plenty. I won't stop blogging about domestic violence but I will say this..........I will continously be fed spiritually with whatever I blog about because that is important to me first (I actually have a meditation practice I do before blogging).

As I grow and learn new and exciting things, I will share them with you and I appreciate all of the positive and heartfelt feedback that you give me daily. So get ready for an exciting new ride and be blessed in all that you do......


Love,
Felicia


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES

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Today was my first time seeing this performance by hit making, R & B artist R. Kelly or Kelz as we like to call him. It's been a long time since he's been out at award events and I must say, I enjoyed every moment of this performance.

When he sung the doo-whop version of his song, When A Woman Loves, it touched my heart. I immediately related this song and performance to how women should love a person literally. Love should be at all times exciting, carefree, commitment, suitable compromising, healthy, fun, colorful, adventurous and so forth. Kelz did an outstanding job of vocally singing this song to a very excited audience both on television and live at the 2010 Soul Train Awards.

Women have been described by society as the most exotic, verbal and emotional creatures on this beautiful earth. When we love a person that's it, we give over 100% of our being to that person. A woman will give a man chance after chance or she will dismiss him quick as lightening if he crosses her the wrong way. I'll be the first to admit that I have confused lust with love plenty of times. Women have a passionate, mentally and soulfully experience when they are introduced to love. There's like an unknown power she holds in her soul that no one can break that bond she shares with that person.

I won't keep you long, but I just had to share this theory with you. Love should never be a hurtful experience. I hope you enjoyed this performance as much as I did and learn how to love........love!


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

THE SUN WILL SHINE AGAIN

Storms brewing or passing in your life, fear not, the day will come again and the sun will shine again in your life. A lot of people in this world today are jobless and lack some of the basic and essential daily needs. As a survivor of domestic violence, I am a witness that after all of the pain of being involved in a physical and emotional abusive marriage....the sun will shine again! Pick yourself up when the world knocks you down! Dust the dirt off of your shoulders if that's a better dialogue for you to understand. Don't let nothing or no one tell you that you can't be or do something.

Here are some facts about the sun I reserached online:

The Sun is one out of billions of stars. The Sun is the closest star to Earth. The Sun rotates once every 27 days. The Sun is now a middle-aged star, meaning it is at about the middle of its life. The Sun formed over four and a half billion years ago. You may think the Sun will die soon, but it will keep shining for at least another five billion years.

Without the Sun, Earth could not support life. The Sun gives off heat and light that the Earth needs to support life (us).

I don't know if you caught the revelation in those facts but it was enough to make me look trouble in the face and await for the sun to shine again over any situation. I've cried many of times about the same situations and cried out to God my deepest desires and either there was no response from the universe or I just gave up and moved on to something else to worry me. I'll leave you with a statement that a dear friend and mentor said to me when I was unemployed and trying to start my life over, she said...."The universe can't say NO forever". Those words I leave with you...when it rains, relax, don't worry because the sun will shine again and again and again and like the facts above said, the sun is no where near about to die soon!

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!

THE SINGLE LIFE

Earlier last week, I tweeted and made my Facebook status as such: "Just because you are a good man, doesn't mean that you are a good man for me". I have to admit that I was sick and had dosed off to sleep, suddenly awoke and my mind blurted that theory out loud. It still holds true to me regardless if I was conscious or not....I'm just thankful that I remembered all of the words to make note of it. You know what's next......let's explore this further:

I am single, in case you didn't know. I experience the highs and lows of the single life just like anyone else. There are moments when I enjoy the stillness in my own space, the pace of my own beat, interacting with my own feelings and emotions, enjoying the festivities of travel and foods on my own. Then, there are times that I go to a Bulls basketball game or watch it on television and wonder what it would be like again to have a special someone next to me to hoop and holler at the players and refs when bad calls have been made. Or what about that person to share this life with and include them into my daily activities and not be considered selfish or bitter by society?

I'm okay today with being single....now tomorrow or even five minutes from now, that decision may change. The gift that lies in that change is that, I'm not alone! God knows exactly where my Mr. Right is and the place where He will introduce us. So there is no need for me to rush my gift (a good man of God) into existence by dating countless men and forcing them to be what they were never designed to be to me.....a good man of God. This is where the single life can be a blessing or a cursing for some. I like to borrow from Pastor Jamal Harrison Bryant thought, "A person should only add value to your life". Just because you meet a good person, doesn't mean that they will add value to your life. Value is not only defined by material or financial status. For example, you can meet a good man/woman and they don't like kids or have no intentions of having kids. You on the other hand, either already have a child or in the future, plan to nurture a little Brady Bunch of your own. This should let you know to cease any higher levels in dating this person. Sure, they're a good person, but just not good for you.

The single life is what you make it. Get out there and enjoy life, work hard, treat others with kindness and surely the heavens will open up, and as the good 'ol preacher says and so does the Bible, God will pour you out a blessing! That blessing can be a lifetime of happiness with a companion that is compatiable to you and exceed whatever you thought was your value. Being single is not the end of the world. Give that time in your life to God and focus on you and your needs so that when Mr. Right comes along, you will know how to receive that blessing from God and thank Him, daily.

This month's book selection is written by Bishop T.D. Jakes called BEFORE YOU DO it talks about steps that you need to take before making important decisions in your life.

FORGIVE

I thought of this action word as I have listened to countless survivors of domestic violence struggle to move on in their lives. They have been traumatized beyond words in a blog will ever capture. If I could share anything that could help the transition from being a victim to becoming a survivor, it would be found in an exert from my upcoming book, Forgiven, but NOT Forgotten:

The message I intended for you to get is: to rebuild, restore and reposition your walk with God through forgiving others.

Ask God to help you forgive yourself in order to forgive others. Whatever has happened to you in your past, do not take that weight with you into your future. God can heal all wounds.

We are instructed by Jesus to: “……love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you?” (Matthew 5:43-46 NKJV)

Forgiving yourself and others is not something simple to do. I will admit however, that it lightens your load on a promising future too. I could not imagine what my mind state would be if I had not forgiven my abuser a long time ago. That forgiveness in my heart developed before I finally left the relationship. I encourage you to pray to God and ask Him to give you the strength you need to forgive anyone who you feel has done anything wrong to you, your family and or your friends. Harboring ill feelings inside of you is unhealthy to say the least amongst other issues that are relevant in your life.

I say all of this to say to the victims and survivors of domestic violence especially: LET GO OF YOUR PAST FEARS AND LIVE AGAIN THROUGH THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS!


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

EAT PRAY LOVE

I've been reading the #1 New York Times Bestseller book entitled, EAT PRAY LOVE written by Elizabeth Gilbert. To my surprise, I thought like all other books I would just breeze right through this one as well. God works in mysterious ways....is what I'll say to this book. I thought I share the major concepts, objectives and or view points that has touched my life significantly throughout this book. Hence, will discuss each verb listed in the title:

EAT: In this book the author took a journey through Italy, India and on the Indonesian island of Bali, and captured the very essence of delectable and exotic meals. She learned how to savior her food and eat in small portions rather than stuff foods in her mouth which would only amount to over eating later and a terrible digestive system, if she chose that option. So I submit the same to you and join in the cause with you: LET'S EAT HEALTHIER TOGETHER!!! I am a junk and fast food junkie to my heart. I am very petite and people ask me all the time where the weight goes? Only God my Creator knows that answer, but I will tell you that my physical performance has been altered each and every time I eat things that are unhealthy. So instead of eating three or four chocolate chip cookies, try hard if you may, to just eat one for now and save the rest for another day!!!

PRAY: Most people and religions believe in a higher power and practice some form of prayer. In this book, Elizabeth spiritual struggle was her lack to concentrate on how to successful meditate and know the difference between that and prayer. Simply put, she said that prayer was a person talking to God and meditation was that person listening to what God had to say to them. Everyone prayer life is different, I will encourage you to have one regardless to what your preference is. God hears your prayers and sit back and watch Him bless you beyond whatever you asked or thought to ask of Him. To that, I AM A WITNESS!!!

LOVE: Oh boy, the subject that is meant to be so simple but lay in many people's mind as the enemy or a difficult challenge. In this book, Elizabeth lost love and before she lost it, found a little piece of it on the side in a gentleman. I won't give more details on that story because I don't want to spoil the plot of the book any further. I will say this: reach down inside yourself and love whatever comes up out of your soul and on what appears on the outside when you look in the mirror, BEFORE you dare try to love anyone else. Love is uplifting, respectful, energizes the soul, appreciated, encouraged, devotion, etc. If you are searching for love, I will close with this thought: EAT to nourish your soul, PRAY about the people that you invite into your life and once it becomes available to you wholeheartedly..... LOVE God first and all of these things will be added unto you!


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

GUEST BLOGGER: DANIELLE GRIFFIN

BEDTIME
Jason is failing in school. The 10 year old is very intelligent, and has a brilliant imagination, but he cannot focus or stay awake in class. His parents both are confused as to what caused his decline. He comes from a loving two parent home, he does his homework, the family goes to Church. What is causing this sudden change in behavior?

Jason’s bedroom is under the bedroom in the apartment upstairs, where his new neighbors have moved in. The new neighbors both smile and wave whenever they see him in the hallway or the parking lot. They look so happy, but Jason knows they are not. Jason hears the lady yell and curse at her husband, calling him stupid and trifling. Jason hears the man yell at his wife, telling her that she will never be anything, and that she is an ugly whore. They argue about money, about their kids, about the weather, about clothes, about EVERYTHING! Jason hears the bedroom furniture slam against the wall as they scream at each other. Jason hears this every night.
When he finally told his parents, they asked him did he ever hear the man hit the woman. “No.” “Well then,” his father said, patting his son on the back, “they are not abusing each other. They are just having little arguments. Now, don’t worry about them, and let’s get back to improving your grades in school.”

Jason knew that this was not a little argument. He knew that it was mean and hurtful to talk to someone like that. He told his school counselor, Miss Gwen, why he was sleeping in class, and she told him about emotional abuse. He told Miss Gwen that they were not abusing each other, because he never heard them hit each other. Miss Gwen explained that emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from constant criticisms and verbal attacks, to repeated disapproval or refusing to be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brain washing, it chips away at the victims self esteem, their self worth, it makes them feel bad about themselves; like they’ve done something wrong or bad to cause this treatment.

Miss Gwen told him that men and women can both be emotional abusers, and that it happens in all types of relationships- romantic like his neighbors, friendships, family, and in classrooms. Sometimes abusers constantly yell at the other person, they degrade and criticize them, they ignore the other person’s feelings, they have unpredictable mood swings, and they purposely humiliate their partner in public.
Jason heard his neighbors arguing, and it kept him up at night, because it made him wonder. They argued about their kids, did he make his parents argue about him? Did they hit each other? Did they hate each other? It made him feel sad to hear such mean words being said, such ugly phrases being yelled constantly. It made him anxious when it was bedtime, because he was afraid to get comfortable, because he knew the fighting was coming. It made him afraid of relationships.

Jason told Miss Gwen that he wanted to teach his parents about emotional abuse. Miss Gwen gave him a packet of information about domestic violence, and she encouraged him to read over it with his parents. In class, Jason told his teacher that he wanted to teach the other students about domestic violence. She told him that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and that he could create a presentation to inform his classmates. Jason shared his new knowledge with his parents, his classmates, and he even wrote his neighbors a letter. Soon after, their fighting stopped, and Jason could sleep in peace.

OCTOBER-DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

Join in with me this month of OCTOBER as I feature guest bloggers,authors, interviews with domestic violence victims and survivors and all other event updates as we approach DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH.

Please call into the 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-7233 to ask any questions and concerns you may have about domestic violence.

You can log onto my website link for events, suggested readings and my guest appearances all month on Blog Talk Radio.



I appreciate your support in advance this entire month as we all continue to help BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

A PURPLE RIBBON

As I prepare myself to partake in the month long activities for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October, I have to take a moment to reflect back to a time not so long ago. A time that like so many other women, I have experienced as well.

During this month, sure I'll wear my designer purple ribbon everyday as a symbol of my survival. But I have to dig deeper into my soul than that. That purple ribbon for me reflects the many sacrifices I've made during the time I was abused. It represents the scars and bruises I've endured inside and outside of my soul. You see, that purple ribbon I wear on my garments, hold a lot of power. I think about how many times I was one kick, slap or punch away from my transition into eternal life. Yes, I do have a relationship with God and believe wholeheartedly that He has a space big enough for my tiny soul, in heaven.

Words could never be uttered of how grateful I am that God kept me in His presence at that time in my life and even now. So I spend everyday of my life thanking Him by continuously striving to be a survivor of domestic violence and reaching out to other women and children who bear this burden, daily.

When I look at other women wearing those purple ribbons, I wonder what their testimonies are? Maybe they were once victims and now are victorious survivors. Could they be mothers, sisters or daughters of victims that were killed by their abusive partner or spouse? How about a dear friend of a victim or survivor? Whatever their reason(s) are, I am honored to share in their testimonies of raising awareness and one day our uplifted voices will break the silence of domestic violence!

As the song writer said, "Death couldn't shake me...." I look at my purple ribbon and others, it helps me know Who (God) won that battle against death. I can tell you, it wasn't easy, but when God placed me inside of my mother's womb, He had a plan that He spoke into existence, over my life. That plan included greatness and to have an abundance of joy in my life. So that huge attack that death tried to wipe me out with, God fought that battle for me and the beauty I got from those ashes, were wrapped in a small package. That small package was a silk purple ribbon that symbolizes how my God and yours, is Greater than anything this world has to offer or tries to take from you and me.

I pray that as you enter into Domestic Violence Awareness Month you will support your community by doing something to help break the silence of domestic violence. Donate your time to different shelters where women and their children have been housed to allow them to dwell in a safe haven. Donate those clothes and shoes you've boxed and bagged up months ago to give away, to those shelters. Say a prayer for victims and survivors of domestic violence. Whatever you decide to do, it will impact a society that is hurting from a silent crime. Needless to say, don't start nor stop your support during Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Start now and continue to help in the fight to break the silence.

On behalf of all of us that wear our purple ribbons, we thank you in advance for your support!

ONE UGLY WORD........DIVORCE!!

Wow, can you believe it? I said the word that no one likes to hear especially married couples....DIVORCE!! Yes, it is a dreadful word and at times, a difficult experience for some people. I honestly believe that God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. You might want to consider me a living testimony of that Bible verse. God knew very well that I would be an emotional work of art in the courtroom if I had to go back and forth with my now ex-husband. But only my God, allowed me to get a divorce and not even have to look my husband at the time, in the eye once. No custody battles, not even those strenous court fees. God made a promise to me that he would put my enemies under my feet and He meant business. Now don't get me wrong, my ex was never my enemy. It was satan himself working through my husband at the time. So God put a stop to satan's plan to destroy me, into better works for His glory to be used by Him (God).

I tell people all the time, the domestic violence I went through in my marriage had absolutely nothing to do with me personally. It happened to bring about a change in other people lives and an avenue to be used by God, Himself. You can't asked for anything more than that. So I thank God daily for using me, to speak to a broken population of women and their children who have been abused on all levels.

DIVORCE.....is an ugly word that even the Bible says, God hates. I don't believe He hates it so much that He would also hate you if that's what's best for you and your family. Alot of time women who stay in abusive marriages deal with emotionally and verbally torture of what the "church folks" might say? Let me tell you one thing is for certain: Church folks will talk about you whether it's something good or bad!

You don't owe the church any explanation to the decisions you need to make for the safety of yourself and of your children. You have to pour out your heart to God and allow Him to mend whatever broken pieces you have before or after your divorce, back together. I held on to my marriage for dear life it seemed like. My marriage became my idol.....and we all know that's a big no, no to God. I read almost every book and went through counseling and listened to family and friends. I neglected to reach out to God and see what His answer was all along.

Divorce is never something easy to do or be done with afterwards for some people. That's why trusted family members, friends, books, co-workers, clergy, therapists, support groups, etc are an essential backbone for those of us who have to deal with this ugly word. It took alot out of me to step out on faith and meet new friends, go to new places alone and focus on my dreams and goals, now that I am divorced. I say those things because usually married couples share the same friends and are involved in the same social environments. So once you get divorced, things ultimately change: no more couples nights out, bbq's together, kids car pooling together for school, married ministries at church--- you are now to sit in the singles section LOL if you decide to stay at the church together.

I pray for those who have to deal with the harsh realities of the worst cases of divorce. But give your situation over to God and He'll give you strength to walk away. I remember asking God to do for me, what I couldn't do myself...which was totally walk away from my abusive relationship. I stand here today to let you know that the road gets better to make your journey easier through life once you let go and let God do His will.

Divorce is the end result of a marriage, but not the end of your life. I hope this helped you in some way to fulfill your greatest potentials in life and if you've fallen down in life, allow yourself to be picked back up again and enjoy God's grace and new mercies everyday.

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

WE ALL SHARE THE SAME STORY

I went to a conference yesturday that discussed health topics and issues for women of color. So of course, by all means, they had a workshop on Domestic Violence. The presentors amazingly, didn't facilitate using diagrams, PowerPoint slides and the what nots....they simply talked with the ladies. We now know that Domestic Violence is a hidden or "hushed" crime. Many African Americans, especially women, are taught at an early age that, whatever goes on in the house, stays in the house. This has effected so much of our society that words almost can't even give an accurate description of this horrific and silent crime.

It also amazes me that each and everytime I'm in a room with very beautiful and intelligent women, I notice one thing: we all share the same story! The same stories of abuse, anger, guilt, shame, needs, wants, goals, children, married, single, divorced, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, hearts broken, dreams shattered and a host of other testimonies.

I sat there in my seat, literally with my hands planted under my thighs. I have to do this sometimes inorder to allow myself to be the student and not always be the teacher. Hearing the women talk about all of the similar stories of personal experiences with domestic violence or of a dear friend or family member that's involved currently in an unhealthy relationship.

Alot of women share the same stories of how their mothers or grandmothers were abused and it was just the "way of life". That is absolutely unnacceptable in today's society. The Feminist movement allowed us women, to stand up for ourselves, vote and live our lives to the best of our abilities and in the safe havens of our own homes. The stories that we share have no room to create boundaries based off of race or economic backgrounds. As we all know, domestic violence does NOT visit only a selected few of species.

Domestic violence is a community crime: if it effects one of us, it affects ALL of us!

Whenever you get a room full of women who have been abused, you will hear the same stories how they were walking around on eggshells daily, fears of being alone or even fears of dying. The same stories of how at night, they meditated on how they wanted to kill their abuser but thought about their children being without a mother and father, afterwards. Name calling and manipulation tactics or similar threats, are also included in hearing the same stories as well. Last but not the least, we all share the same stories of being stressed out due to the lack of sleep that a victim doesn't get because of her abuser, keeping up chaos to deprive them of sleep.

I encourage each victim or survivor to get involved in any available support groups or have a buddy system with another person and listen carefully to each other and you will be amazed of one thing certainly: we all share the same story!

God bless you, I pray for your strength and let's continue to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

I noticed that all of my blogs were geared towards the mature audience of adults. But neglected to inform my readers of another growing topic in domestic violence: Teen Dating Violence. The youth in our society are under so much pressure, such as having sex (protected or unprotected), committing crimes and addictions to drugs (legal or illegal), that dating violence has also become a greater risk for silent behaviors.

Let's explore this further(IL DV Manual and emphasis mine):

Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers typically:
*are inexperienced with dating relationships
*are pressured by peers to act violently
*want independence from parents
*have "romantic" views of love

The early warning signs of a potential abusive partner are similar to those of adults: Explosive behavior, extreme jealousy, quick involvement, unpredictable mood swings, isolating victim from family and friends, etc.

Parents, discuss these and other warning signs of domestic violence with your teenager(s). Here are a few signs to look for in teens that are involved in dating violence:

*Physical signs of injury
*Truancy, dropping out of school (multiple physical scars and bruises keeps the teen from attending school for fear of someone finding out about their situation)
*Failing grades
*Indecision (having doubt or uncertainities)
*Changes in mood or personaility
*Sudden use of alcohol/drugs
*Pregnancy (if a teen is pregnant multiple times a year and is having miscarriages/abortions, there's a possibilty that the abusive partner is refusing to use condoms during sexual intercourse)
*Emotional outbursts
*Isolation (The teen suddenly stays "locked" in their bedroom or anyplace in the house that allows them not to be seen for long periods of time. This is a way to hide bruises, scars and even pregnancies from parents)

So if you thought domestic violence only happens in the adult world, I hope this brief information has evolved you into taking a closer look at teen dating violence.

Teens will talk to and find confidence in each other before seeking guidance from adults. Therefore, sometimes parents are unaware of or able to detect if their child is suffering emotionally or physically from dating violence. Let this be a wake up call to us all as mothers, sisters, clergy, professionals, parishoners, teachers, students, etc. and BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

For more information contact:

National Teen dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474 | 1-866-331-8453 TTY
www.loveisrespect.org

I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE

A dear friend of mine today "Tweeted" me in regards to the song, "I Love the Way You Lie", by Eminem and Rihanna. To my understanding, the song was/is believed to be embracing or dancing around issues of domestic violence. So naturally I logged onto iTunes and thus, I speak now or forever hold my peace about it:

My initial thoughts before watching the video (YouTube) and listening to this song (iTunes) was that, with Rihanna apart of this project, it must be about raising awareness of domestic violence. Due to her countless interviews regarding the alleged physical and emotional abuse she endured in her relationship with R&B superstar, Chris Brown. I admit, I'm not all the way clear on the video concept, so I'll have to watch it a few more times. I can say that I did see where the intersections of emotional and physical abuse, met throughout the video.

The lyrics expressed the heartfelt feelings of both the batterer and of the victim. They talked about how a couple involved in domestic violence go through the different stages: the good times together, the expolsive actions after the emotions have build up inside of the batterer and back again to the honeymoon stage or as before, the good times they had together. The honeymoon period in the cycle of violence, happens after the punches, kicks, degrading remarks and whatever other abusive actions intended or acted out on the victim. This is when the victim has had the "last straw" pulled and ready to leave the batterer. The batterer knows how to turn the "last straw" back to just another one being pulled. So here comes the "lies" as this song described also in the lyrics. Lies the batterer tells the victim: it won't happen again (it almost, always DOES) threats of bodily harm or even death if the victim leaves the batterer, the batterer will cry or make promises that they have no intentions of following suit on once they win the victims heart over again. This list is not limited at a host of other control tactics, batterers use to manipulate and coerce the victim to stay (please read previous blogs I've written explaining more indepth).

So overall, I applaud the artists for collaberating together to raise awareness of domestic violence and having a picture (video) to go along with it. I believe, someone, somewhere, sat and watched that video or read and/or heard the lyrics to the song and saw a reflection in themselves. A reflection of either the batterer or as the victim.

I am in total agreement with different tools and resources used to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE?

OMG this is probably the number one question that victims of domestic violence get from strangers or their friends and family......Why don't you just leave? Society isn't aware of the mindset of an abused victim of domestic violence, so to them it appears to be something simple and easy to do. Let's take a look at what the Illinois 40-Hour Domestic Violence Manual has to say about this:

Some women feel sorry for their abusers. At first it may seem incomprehensible that a person could feel sympathy for the person who causes her so much pain. It is important to remember however that society expects and conditions women to be loving, nurturing and forgiving. Since abusers are often contrite and beg for forgiveness after a beating, a woman may view leaving or divorce as the abandonment of a person that desperately needs help. To do that would mean that she has failed in her role as a devoted, patient and compassionate mate.

Women also find it difficult to get out of a violent relationship because of the psychological effects of living with an abuser. Almost without exception, women are subjected to varying degrees of emotional abuse. Women are told that they are incompetent, stupid, worthless and incapable of surviving without help and direction. Women are criticized for the way they look, the way they keep house, the way they raise their children. The effects of these verbal attacks must not be underestimated. Almost all battered women agree that this abuse is far more devastating that any physical injuries they have suffered. Physical injuries may heel, but emotional scars are hardest to detect and heal.

The result of these psychological beating, inflicted by a person who (supposedly) loves her, is that the woman herself comes to believe that there is some truth in what is said. That she could not survive on her own - she is stupid, worthless, ugly and simply does not deserve any better.

Emotional involvement isn't the only reason that a woman may stay in a violent relationship. Economic factors frequently play an important role. Some battered women lack job skills and experience, and even those who work outside the home often receive low wages and poor benefits. Women with good jobs are not protected; often they are harrassed at work and put in danger of loosing their jobs. If Welfare is not enough, if her wages are low, and if she cannot be certain that she can support herself and her family, a woman may eventually decide that being beaten is the price she must pay for financial survival.

Another reason that battered women don't leave their abusers is fear. It is not uncommon for a man to threaten that he will stalk a woman and kill her if she leaves. A woman is in MORE danger of being seriously injured or murdered when she leaves an abusive relationship than at any other time during the relationship.

Finally, getting out of an abusive relationship is often very difficult by a lack of community and social resources. Shelters and safe houses almost always operate at maximum capacity. In fact, Greenhouse (Chicago) has y=to turn away approximately 600-700 women and children per month because of lack of space. Women may have to wait for days or weeks before there is room for her and her children. Another major problem is finding some good legal counsel that is affordable, even assuming the woman lives in a state where there is protective legislation for battered women.

With all of that being said, has that changed any of your views of why a woman just may decide to stay in an abusive relationship? I pray that the next time you come across a domestic violence victim, you won't ask them this hurtful question or downplay their individual situation as leaving is something so easy and simple to do. Instead, try to reach out to them with providing helpful resources that will allow them to leave or setting up a safety plan for the day and hour that is upon them to leave their abusive partner.

HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

CELEBRATE WHO YOU ARE

Ever thought you were just weird and no one quite understands who you really are? What about a hobby, that if you had the time and money, you would pursue it as a possible career for yourself? Or how about that thing/object that puts you in another place whenever you interact with it? If those questions stirred up the innermost parts of you, learn to celebrate who are no matter how weird or odd people may assume that you are.

Mothers often take on a chaotic role and become too consumed as the person incharge of the household demands. Too often, they forget about who they were before they became a wife, girlfriend or mother. I know, I know...I can hear you saying to me,..."You just don't know all the things I have to do day in and day out for my family"......or how about, "They can't survive a hour without me". If this sounds like you, get ready to embrace a new you after reading this.

Let's further dissect this celebration a bit further: I enjoy reading all kinds of books. I steal away weekly from my career and my children and take my blankey, journal, nice cup of joe (coffee) and the book of my choice and go to different designations and get lost in the world of reading. I recognize everyone is not a bookworm like myself. Try to go see a FREE admission to a live jazz band, visit your local art museums and coffee shops, bookstores, and now that its summer time, talk a long walk along the beach and meditate on how good God has been to you. Have a picnic lunch also at the beach or take a mile long bike ride, bring your skates too. Invite others that also enjoy your hobby and start a weekly or monthly group to display new and upcoming progress or events. Take up free classes at the local art supplies stores for hobbies such as knitting and painting. Whatever makes you happy, do it or bring it with you to those places.

Want to make a career out of your hobby? Visit your local library and research your hobby and learn the history of your hobby and see what lessons those before you learned about it as well. Surf the web on your hobby and make notes of other pros and cons that weren't listed in some of the older books at the library. Read the consumer comments below the product of whatever your hobby consists of. For example, if you like freelance photography and you are interested in buying a camaera, read the comments of other camera consumers that the online stores provide potential customers with.

Most women that have dealt with domestic violence have had to put a hold on their dreams, hobbies and goals in pursuit of the happiness of their abusive partner. NO MORE ladies!!! Get out and enjoy life and CELEBRATE WHO YOU ARE! If you don't, no one else will care about what interests you outside of your family life. Victims, it may have been awhile, but recall what makes you happy deep down inside and began to reach out to it again. Survivors, now that you are well on your road of freedom so to speak, no more excuses, get busy celebrating who you are!

Read Proverbs 31 the chapter about the virtuous woman of God. She was a great wife, mother and a wonderful and skillful woman outside of her family. So you see, long before me and you were born, God created women to be able to multi-task.....think about it, it almost comes naturally to do for some of us...LOL


HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

GIVE THANKS UNTO THE LORD

I arrived at my monthly domestic violence support group meeting about an hour early. I often visit this place to clear my head, enjoy nature and capture every essence of God. Due to privacy of the members, I can't reveal the exact location, but I will tell you this:

At this place, you get to see the life of yourself and others. Nature's assignment was also complete with flowers, birds, beautiful and endless roads of water. The environment overall was peaceful.

I took my journal and the book I'm reading now: Their Eyes Were Watching God. It reminded me of what heaven must be like. In the midst of this exclusive meditation time with God, I said a silent prayer of thanksgiving. Thankful for God allowing me to grasp the peace of God that passes all understandings. The understandings of why I'm here in this world. Understanding the strength and courage it takes to began a new life or existence. Understanding how to be thankful for the smallest blessings in life. Such as watching boats big and small sail by, headed to unknown destinations. An older couple walking and holding hands, not knowing how long it took to gain an admiration for each other's company. A child running across the horizon, while his mom stands in awe of his simple excitment. Understanding and being thankful for a good night's rest. When I was a victim of domestic violence, getting some sleep was a luxury.

We all have ups and downs in life. We all have a story to tell, I can guarentee you that. But what I've learned throughout this unpredictable journey of life is to take out moments in my day, and thank God for allowing me to reap the benefits of His mighty blessings. Whenever you come across a roadblock in your life, reach down into your soul and find the true promises of God. Find the good reasons to be thankful in the bad situations, and continue to be thankful for EVERYTHING!!!

Below are some scriptures to help you understand in depth of giving thanks unto the Lord:

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. (Psalm 100:4)


Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
(1 Chronicles 16:34)



HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

FREEDOM

Sometimes you can’t ask why? When? How? Other times you have to answer all the questions that God has set before you through the mouths of other humans. Do I take a stand and break the silence or be seated and pretend that didn’t happen or how about the promises that it will never happen again? Breathe slowly, deeply…..in, out…..panic attack arises by the seconds. When it’s all over, oh God when will it all be over? For now my face is smothered with bruises and cuts that burn so bad that my soul doesn’t even recognizes it. The pain won’t allow me to move or run away. Run away in my mind you say? How does one do that? Pretend that I am somewhere else? Where does one go with the pain of each blow to my face is right here in the present. The only place I can breathe and feel safe is if I’m allowed to go the restroom in peace. Where do I go in the midnight hour when I can’t sleep because the stench of the pain is so powerful that my heart and mind is ready to take my own last breath of life? You call this life? There has to be something better than this! How did I allow this to happen? Never saw this coming…..never even been in a situation like this before. Tears, rage, anger, guilt all rise up in my chest at the same time knocking whatever conscious thoughts I had left in me for the day, away. Truly God isn’t listening to my prayers or my constant cry outs for help. I’ll admit He’s given me a lot of times to pack up and walk away but he said he loved me and needed me to stay. To only turnaround and punch me 3 seconds later. I thought about suicide, manslaughter: voluntarily or involuntarily, but then God spoke a soft word in my ear that said, “Vengeance shall be mine, thus saith the Lord”. But God, you don’t know how I feel or what I’ve been through are the ridiculous words the form out of the deepest pits of your soul. Now because He loves you, He walks with you and talks with you. Not the lunchroom conversations you’re used to having with your old co-workers. Conversations of the promises of His word, forms in your mind and soon you believe them and began to see the dark in a different shade. This shade has more color to it and has more room in it for you to grow. You’re afraid of growth and the newness thereof, don’t be, step out on faith and see the marvelous light the Lord has placed before you……..walk away once and for all and be free! Free to love yourself and be loved by those around you. When those thoughts of failure and fear lurk around the corners of your mind, stand firm in your faith and decree victory over any obstacle that is out there standing in your way of triumph. If you took every fist full of tears and pain, surely you can take the world head on with the strength and guidance of God leading your path.
Sometimes you can’t ask why? When? How? Now you know the answers to each one of those questions. This note is for those who are silenced in their bedrooms, kitchens, basements, bathrooms, out in public and wherever else their voices have been cut off from society. This was written for my tears that flow down like a river on my face as I type this, I know the painful memories that will forever live in my soul are not in vain. Fear not, God WILL give you beauty for the ashes you’ve blown away or endure in your life. This is for the children that can’t speak out of fear of the possible burial services that their mother will have, if someone finds out what daddy is doing to mommy and God forbid, doing to them too. If you never comment and raise your hand and admit that you too have been a victim of Domestic Violence…..that’s ok……GOD knows!! Ask Him for the strength to remove you from that situation and take away words, thoughts or actions that might lead you back to that place of darkness. Recognize that some women didn’t make it to safety. Their bones lie still in the ground of ghostly cemetery. Their family members wishing they could’ve said bye or I love them one more time. Wishing they had of stood up and said something. So I beg you, if God has given you away out ….TAKE IT! It may not be the scenic route you always dreamed of. But keep in mind, it is FREEDOM.


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

DON'T IGNORE YOUR FEELINGS

I love how Maya Angelou defines this title regarding relationships: "When a man tells you who he is, BELIEVE him"! By this I believe she meant for women not TO ignore the signs of who a man is when you meet him in hopes that things will later change.

On the first date, if he ignores your thoughts and feelings....trust me, by date #20 things won't be much different. If he is too aggressive for your liking, nip it then instead of allowing the pursuit to take flight any further. Dr. Jamal Harrison Byrant once advised a lady in his teaching that, "A man should come to you complete". Not that he can't have any flaws or that his house(life) doesn't need tidding up a bit. But the overall message was that, a man problems and or his goals shouldn't become yours! The first time he explodes in anger with unacceptable rage, stop thinking ladies: "I can change him".

This blog is not meant to bash men under any circumstances. It's written to teach women how to be more aware of the hidden crime of Domestic Violence. As with other crimes the outcome is naturally at a moments notice unless like with Domestic Violence......it's premeditated....meaning there was a process that occurred before the actual offense. Same with relationships, nothing worth having, happens overnight.

Often times the abusive partner does not physically attack the victim on the first date. I'm almost sure they 100% of the time either emotionally or verbally abuse the soon to be victim if she isn't careful. Sometimes women downplay or ignore the first act of abuse from the potential partner. Once you ignore one thought, word or deed, get ready for the ride of your life.

Learn the background of his previous relationships, unless there is evidence of true repentance (counseling, his relationship with God, support groups, etc) from a previous abuser, chances are: if he abused her(old girlfriends) he's gonna do the same to you.

It is critical that you pay attention to your feelings. If something doesn't feel right, chances are, it isn't. Here are a few WARNING signs of potential abusive partners(batterers) listed in CAWC's 40-Hour Domestic Violence Training Manual:

Jealousy: often mistaken for possible love intentions but it's a sign of insecurity

Controlling Behavior: comes across as concerned about your "saftey"

Quick involvement: believes in the "love at first sight" and within six months of dating you start living together

Unrealistic Expectations: You're expected to be perfect in ALL aspects of the relationship

Isolation: the abusive partner will SLOWLY cut you off from all resources (friends, family and employment)

Blames others for problems: It's never their fault why something happened

Blames others for feelings: manipulates you by saying statements like "You make me mad"

Hypersensitivity: abuser is easily insulted, claims feelings are hurt when really they are mad, or takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks

Cruelty to children or animals: punish animals brutally or expect children to do things beyond their ability or tease them until they cry

Playful use of force in sex: This person may like to throw you down and hold you down during sex, or act out fantasies where you are helpless. The abuser is letting you know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little or no concern about whether you want to have sex and use sulking or manipulation to get you to comply. The abuser may start to have sex with you while you are sleeping or demand sex while you are ill or tired or right after an assault.

Verbal Abuse: degrade you, curse you, or run down your accomplishment. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function alone

Two very different personalities: you may be confused by the abusers sudden changes of mood. One minute the person is nice, and the next minute explosive or very sad.

Past battering: once again, you may find out the abuser has hit past lovers, but claim they provoked or exaggerated it

Threats of violence: making threats like, "I'll slap your mouth off" are examples of threats

Breaking or striking objects: The abuser will select specific items of personal worth to destroy, or throw near you

Any force during an argument: This may involve holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving

These are very important signs of potential abusive personality traits. Use them to the BEST of your ability and abort ANY danger signs upon arrival. Take your time when choosing a mate and don't ignore your feelings because it is those same feelings that will lead you on the road to happiness or a lifetime of misery.


BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

A NEW ME & A NEW YOU

Today I noticed a different side of me that I must admit, caught me off guard. I'll begin by saying that over the weekend, my car stopped on me after two days of enjoying time with new friends and the special "me" time that doesn't come often.

I remember praying to God when the tow truck driver was attaching my car to the truck,"I'm just thankful I have the money in the bank to pay for this today". I remember plenty of days of surviving off of close to nothing in my pockets. The old me, would've been on the side of that rode crying and just stayed there stuck until somebody in my family could come and rescue me. NOT THE NEW ME!!!

Let's take a step back for a moment and discuss the "old" me.........I'll sum it up for you real simple....a heathen:irresponsible, immature, selfish, not saved-meaning I had no relationship with God, conceited, chaotic and living an unhealthy lifestyle, no sense of what's going on in the real world, financially unstable, etc. How can I say all of that about myself and still hold my head high? The answer is buried in the bossom of the grace of God, which covers a multitude of our sins. The old me was a HOTT mess. Now let me introduce you to the new me:

I know where all of my good and perfect gift comes from.....GOD....I know who giveth and taketh away things and people in my life.....GOD.....I know who kisses the morning dew each day that I rise and hugs the night skies when I lay down to sleep.....GOD....I know that the enemy uses the same tricks to try and destroy me and I also know and proclaim that God said in His word, "Do not touch my anointed one".....need more evidence of who I am? The one true answer that gives light to the darkness: I AM A CHILD OF GOD!

See the old me couldn't even pray the enemy away and let alone under my footstool. Now the new me, is the woman I admire. It takes a lot courage to be a new individual. Especially when people can't let go of who you were in your past. That's ok, let them stay focus on your past, because God has plans for the new you, above and beyond anything you could ever ask, think or imagine.

The old me was a victim of domestic violence: afraid, ashamed, delirious and I held guilt and confession up to my chest as if I was holding my child. Constantly worried about my present that I wouldn't dare dream about my future. Walking around on eggshells and tear stained eyes that Mac, Maybelline or Cover Girl could do nothing with.

I have good news for you........there's A NEW ME on the horizon! This time around, I have more patience, virtue, I am more humble, inspired by those that traveled ahead of me, thankful for those that get inspiration from me. Because you see, anybody can remain in a familiar place and not see a change is necessary for them in their life. But I dare you to step out on faith with the help of God and ask Him to create A NEW YOU!

Be thankful for the old you because without it, I couldn't celebrate A NEW ME & A NEW YOU!!!

HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

THE SECRET PLACE

Do you have a place that you go to in your house/apartment that allows you to escape the realities of this world? For me, I built a small alter (actually it was the stand from a bird cage I had)neverthless,that had candles, the Bible and incense on it. Now that might sound like a bit much, but that secret place got me through the toughest years of my life.

At the time, my husband and kids thought it was just another item of decor in the house. But I used that alter in the midnight hours or right before everybody got up and just PRAYED! I would cry out to God, whatever was on my heart.

So I submit this suggestion to you: Find a quiet and secret place wherever you dwell and talk to God.....He would love to hear from you...LOL

Domestic Violence takes a toil on your most inner thoughts whether you recognize it or not. You will be amazed at how your life will change once you implement: prayer and speaking positive words about yourself into your future. No one else can have a relationship with your God better than YOU! Go into that secret place and release the veil of hurt and painful thoughts and feelings unto the Lord. Whose better qualified to be a great listener and a even greater friend that will help you in this difficult situation? Came up with an answer yet? I'll help you with this one: GOD!!! God, is the ONLY one that can give you beauty from the ashes that domestic violence has caused in your life. Take the much needed time to embrace who you are and your relationship with God will grow daily.

Other items you can bring to the secret place of your chose are:

JournalsDevotional Books
Small CD player or iPod stand/radio
BlanketSmall pillow (for extra cushion on floor settings)

Those are just a few items that you can consider but most importantly, make sure you bring YOURSELF, wholeheartedly and available to hear what thus saith the Lord, in the secret place.

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

WHO ARE YOU?

I was recently told that I needed to be like someone else...........are you kidding me? My thoughts are, to that statement:

Yes, I could learn a few things from that person, but to "be" like them is nonexistent to me. God created me to be like Him in His image not to be like another human being. I will forever strive to be the BEST me, I was designed to be!

Domestic violence victims pay attention: you may be going through a tough time trying to figure yourself out but that one thing that always remain the same is...........there's only ONE of you! Nobody else can be what YOU need to be for yourself, your children, your community or this society.

Domestic violence survivors pay attention: Who are you? What defines your life right now? Is it money, family, morals, your contributions to this society, etc? Remember to always look in the mirror and acknowledge who you are! If you don't, no one else will.

Often times when a person has experienced emotional and verbal abuse, they hear degrading amd disrespectful remarks from their abusive partner as such:

"You're too fat"
"You're hair isn't long enough"
"You're stupid"
"You need implants"
"Your butt is too small/big"
"You're ugly and nobody wants you"

This list could extend the time I'm allotted here, but I pray that if any of these remarks sparked up a memory for you, that you believe that you are a beautiful human being inside and out and God designed you to do His will on this earth.

Speak POSITIVE words into your life and always be confident in who YOU are!!

BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

THE EXPERIENCE

As I look back over the journey that has bought my arrival to the present, what a trip! Circumstances and decisions that were made allowed me to be at peace within my soul and have no lack thereof. I would go into remission if I didn’t allow myself the time, consistency and determination to accomplish every goal and task that was destined before me, along with prayer and fasting. I now know that the adversities and burdens that I endured, was for this experience I now have. I firmly believe God allows such trials to motivate us into better human beings that He created us for. The word says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven”. I believe wholeheartedly that God new the time and season where my life would impact a society of hurting women and children.

I don’t come to you nor claim that my faith in God was a seed planted at an early age. Sure I was bought up in the church but I had no clue of who God really was in my life until recent years. How did my faith grow, you ask? Daily! There were times where I too doubted the Almighty or rushed my plan to be His priority. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, He knows all about our flaws and imperfections. The best experiences I’ve had with God were in those midnight hours, literally. I am an earthen vessel that God has called to speak loud and clear to His hurting children that suffers from domestic violence. He’s given me the courage I need to comfort those in need and the tears to share of my own experience of domestic violence. So I say again, I don’t come to you nor claim my faith in God was a seed planted at an early age. It was a tragic experience that allowed my light to shine today.

How? Why? When? Are all the questions society asks of me daily about my experience with domestic violence! Sometimes I can recall the memories and other times I know it was the Holy Spirit that has allowed such memories to be erased. Sometimes I even get frustrated because this calling requires you to lead by example. So if that means being single, not shacked up with and to a man that isn’t a part of His plan, I must pass up countless opportunities of lust. I know my rewards and completion comes from God and not mortal man.

You must know with this experience you carry the weight of a lot of wounded souls. Of stories and physical scars of women, teenagers and children that might not ever go away. This experience here is a lifestyle. It continues on in your life after you’ve conquered the storm. How do I speak so boldly and confident now about such a hidden topic? It was the years of tears and the yells of pain that allowed me to forever break the silence of domestic violence. I can reassure you, it didn’t come over night. Prayer and fasting became daily rituals not anniversaries celebrated in my life.

I ask of you, what is your experience? Have you shared it with a family member, friend, co-worker or whomever that is the nearest person sitting next to you? Someone is out there with ears awaiting the opportunity to hear your experience.

My prayer is that you be blessed in all that you do and enjoy the experience!

LYRICS TO "ME" by Tamia

-verse-

Love was a former owner, but quiet is renting our house
It seizes my lips from speaking, but forms a sarcastic smile
Suspense now raised one of your eyebrowes
You ask me if there's someone else
I replied yes, hell yes
You asked me if it's another man, I said no
You laughed and say is it a woman, I say yeah
Surprisingly you asked for honey's name

-chorus-
And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to chosse, I choose me

-verse-
And she told me to tell you to never to hurt me again
Cuz if you haven't heard she's a bad chick
Eventhough I haven't been, no
Yet and still you try and test me by raisin' an angery hand
Put it down, put it down

I'm leavin don't try and stop me, (no)
I'm late and she is waiting, (yes)
My love for me is too much so I can't stay

-chorus-
And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

Cuz she's actually formin' a threesome
And I'm happy that I can join them, and
There names are me, myself and I

-chorus-
And her name is me,
She loves me more than you'll ever know
I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love,
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love,
Gotta choose between you two, and you know
And if I have to chosse,
I choose me, me, I gotta go with me

LYRICS TO "SURVIVOR" by Destiny's Child

(Verse 1)
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

(Verse 2)
Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

(Bridge)
I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)
Oh
(Oh)

After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what)(Don't stop me now)
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

DON'T HAVE A VICTIM MENTALITY

I know it's hard to get out of life happiness, especially when you've been given so little. Let me introduce you all to some expressions victims of domestic violence often tell themselves:

"Nobody will ever love me again"

"I can't walk away, who's gonna take care of me and/or of my child(ren)?"

"Nobody was ever there for me"

"I've always been in abusive relationships"

"My foster parent(s) abused me too so it must be something wrong with me"

"I can't go back to school, he said my ideas were stupid"


If you made a mental note of checking yes to any of those expressions, it's time to refocus your mind and begin the journey of becoming a new you!

A victim sometimes gets used to the abuser downgrading, disrespecting, name calling and a host of other things done physically, verbally and emotionally to them, that seeing a positive outcome in their life is almost nonexitent. But thank God, whatever man(society) says, He has the ultimate say so over our lives. Start speaking life into your situations:

"Someday I WILL find love and happiness again"

"I CAN walk away from this unhealthy relationship so that me and my children will be safe and live a properous life"

"Unfortunately, nobody was there for me growing up, but I CAN help others get through their tough situations and become a role model to others"

"I've always been in an abusive relationship, but NOW is the time to break that cycle!"

"My foster parent(s) abusing me was wrong but I AM a WONDERFUL person inside and out!"

"I CAN go back to school because I have the GREATEST ideas to contribute to today's society?

Try putting positive notes in your purse/wallet, bathroom mirror, refrigerator door, desk at work or home, etc. Read those positive notes DAILY and watch you walk a different walk, talk a different talk, dream bigger dreams. I used to implement my positive notes in my prayers everyday too. Nobody wants to be around people who are always putting themselves down. Or try using an inspirational word everyday and use it in a sentence that describes you or your goals, visions and/or hobbies. For example here are a list of POSITIVE words:

INSPIRATION
LOVE
AFFIRM
COURAGE DETERMINATION HEALTHY SUCCESS PROSPEROUS
ENCOURAGE
POWER
BEAUTIFUL
ANEW
AWESOME
ACCOUNTABILITY
RESPECT
OUTSTANDING
GOAL(S)



Fix the things and areas of your life that you want changed. Rid excess drama, people, clothes and any other baggage that you are carrying around with you that's a roadblock to your breakthrough.

After you get rid of the negative victim mentality, BREAK THE SILENCE of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!

A Humble Experience

Once again, I am eternally grateful for the opportunity of being the special guest on Laugh & Tears blog talk radio. That was the first time I was on a live radio show and enjoyed the comments, questions, chats online, etc. Of course, if you're wondering, the topic was Domestic Violence. We discussed personal testimonies, recognized and defined exactly what domestic violence is. The audience was able to identify in their own lives if they had ever been abused physically, emotionally, sexually and so on. Like myself, I had never heard of the term "domestic violence" or even knew that I was in an abusive relationship. As oddly as it seems, you would've thought I knew what was going on as far as the termonology. But sadly, like myself, ALOT of people DON'T know the hidden signs or redflags of Domestic Violence or are aware that they are even in an abusive relationship.

We also dicussed how most people are and have been EMOTIONALLY and VERBALLY abused rather than physically abused throughout their life. Society doesn't associate the emotional and verbal abuse in the same sentence as physical abuse. One word remains the same that ties these unions together...........ABUSE!!! I'm sure the listeners were able to reflect back over their lives and did a quick checklist to see if they had been or are being emotionally and verbally abused.

There was a question that came up on the online chat that asked basically, how can sexual abuse or rape be implemented in a marriage union? An answer to that question lies here: If you are married or single, whenever force, manipulation, unacceptable acts or positions that your mate is not in agreement with and is using it for the gain of power and control is SEXUAL ABUSE. Anytime a form of force, whether it's by a physical action or emotional and verbal mechanisms, is used to get sex, is wrong.

If you are in a domestic violence situation plan a SAFETY PLAN carefully. I mentioned on the show how I always kept toiletries or travel kit bags in my car or outside of the house incase an altercation arised and I had to leave. There were plenty of times and nights I slept in my car or ran away to a safe haven. Having simple things like toothbrushes, combs and brushes, extra pair of clothes and underwear, change in case I needed to use a payphone if my cellphone was left behind and this list could on. I'm not suggesting that you run away repeatedly. I'm simply giving you options and prayerfully available resources and tools to implement whenever you decide to leave your abusive partner. In addition to a having a safety plan, make several different copies of your Order of Protection if you have one. Leave them in your safe haven places: friends house, under a plant outside or anywhere that you feel you can get a hold of it if the times comes and you can't get access to your original copy.

If you missed the opportunity to listen in on the live show, please feel free to log on at www.blogtalkradio.com/laugh_tears to hear the entire discussion.

I enjoy the calling on my life which is to raise the awareness of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.... as always I leave you with this: HELP BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

DON'T GET LOST

Many a times in the beginning stages of relationships, women allow themselves to get lost in their new beau. Simply put, we get caught in their dreams, goals, strengths, weaknesses, hobbies and even the friends and company they keep. The problem occurs when the woman neglects her passions and previous goals to gratify their partner.

WARNING: If this is you, you're headed down a road of self-destruction, lack of control and previous boundaries you once had and even vulnerable to the outcome of an abusive partner.

It's ok to share common interests and goals with a potentional mate while dating. The key is not to be so consumed in your partner's life that you neglect your own. Here are some signs that you may recognize yourself doing:

Always engaging in his activities and/or hobbies

Going out or hanging around his friends and rarely seeing yours

"Girls Night Out" with your friends, doesn't exist anymore

Pressuring you about having sex to establish a completed relationship

Your spiritual life is put on hold due to the extreme attention and time you've invested in this new relationship

Partner seems aggitated, angry or threatens to leave the relationship if and whenever you choose to do something without your partner

This list can go and on...........but just so you can get a glimpse of where you are in the relationship and prayerfully this list was a prevention tool to keep you from a heartbreak later on down the road.

After you survived domestic violence and on a healthy road to dating again, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings while dating at all times. DON'T GET LOST and remember to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

TAUGHT TO BE TEACHABLE

Today I learned a valuable lesson as a survivor of Domestic Violence: There's still more work to be done within myself, in order to help my community. In other words, I too have to be taught new resources, tools, strategies, poverty level(s), sexual agendas, escape and intervention plans to be able to continuously be effective in my endeavor of BREAKING THE SILENCE!

I always feel that I am grateful for my testimony of surviving an abusive relationship and ongoing into my marriage with that partner. That experience allowed me to be able to share that testimony amongst my peers with boldness and most importantly to me, my faith in that without God in my life, I would have NEVER made it through it. With that being said, I was chatting/messaging a new dear friend of mine today and the thought just came to me that I am still available to be taught the dynamics of domestic violence. Even though I've been through countless trainings and even wrote a book about it! There are always new ways to be taught a repetitive goal, dream, career, lifestyle, etc. Don't ever think that you know "ALL" there is to know about something or even someone. Dig deeper than what's on top of the surface. As long as you open one door there are enough steps to follow to get and go thru another one.

I often wear three hats in Domestic Violence trainings, conferences, literature, media, etc:

The first "hat" is me as the victim: Some scenes remind me of what I've been through. Certain dialogue transpire emotional tears to form in my eyes. I get restless and can't keep still.......overall, sometimes I just relive the trauma I experienced at that point in my life.

The second "hat" I wear is me being the student: This hat allows my brain to go into overdrive if I'm not careful. I absorb all that the presentor/facilitator, article, short film or whatever tool is being used, to discuss Domestic Violence. I turn into a full-time student of learning. I'm focused and have high expectations of what I'm looking forward to learning and then on to implementating the data into the lives and homes of victims and survivors.

The third "hat" I wear is the or of the teacher: Now this hat is very similar to the hat of the student, except I spectate and use the data to execute new curriculums or new interventions/enhance old interventions to prevent Domestic Violence. The teacher hat allows me to make plans for my future and the lives that I will impact.

I say all of this to say simply, you're never to old, too young, too wise or feel that you're too dumb to be taught anything!

Sometimes my greatest achievements and breakthrough moments have been in a teaching environment and almost never when I'm the speaker. I learn more about this epidemic by the real life stories and professional trainings. I encourage you to BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and continue to get educated on this crime!

SPREAD YOUR WINGS

Often times, the fear of failure resides within one's own self. A lot of people ask victims of Domestic Violence, "Why do you stay?" The answers to that popular question, differ from each individual's current circumstance(s). Some stay because of lack of finances, resources, to provide a home for their child(ren) and also the answer that could define so much of why, is often given by one word, FEAR!

According to a Children's Dictionary, fear means, a strong feeling one gets when one expects danger or pain. The key word that I admire here is "expects". When you expect failure, that's typically your end result. So starting today/tonight, choose to expect greatness in your life! God created you, not people and what a marvelous job I must say He did! As a victim of domestic violence, you operate or function daily based off of your fears. Mostly fears of living around the abusive partner or fears of dying if/when you decide to leave the relationship and or marriage. As a survivor, I can remember my fears being about starting my life over from scratch. Fears of finding love again and being loved. But then God stepped in and helped me conquer ALL of those fears, with me staying in His word, believing in His word and trusting in His word!

A mother eagle teaches her baby eagle to fly by flying high in the air, releasing or dropping the baby eagle......of course the mother eventually catches the infant, but the lesson remains the same: YOU CAN'T FLY, UNLESS YOU SPREAD YOUR WINGS!!! Remember, in life to spread your wings and fly into the blessings that God has for you. Execute the fears out of your life and embrace the abundance of God's glory and favor in your life.


Domestic violence is a terrible, fearful, horrific and sometimes deadly crime for victims. God gave you wings to fly above ANY danger, statistics, negative influences and or fears of rejection or failures. Pray bold prayers to God and watch yourself soar threw this open journey of life, with confidence!


As you spread your wings, BREAK THE SILENCE of domestic violence!

No, it's NOT easy!

When you spend time with someone for however long, you have attached feelings and bonds with that person. Especially with an intimate partner/spouse. Breaking away from an abusive relationship is NEVER easy for either of the parties. Research has been done and shows that the risks are higher for a woman when she leaves or attempts to leave an abusive partner. With careful safety planning, buddy systems and available resources, the victim CAN leave the abusive partner and be safe.

The quote of most women that gets tossed up in the air by society, is when the victim says, "But I love him". Of course you do or for survivors, of course you did. But most of all, you have to dig deep down within yourself, and know that God loves you and it's time for YOU to love YOU.

Leaving behind anything you love is never easy! But with much prayer, help from family, friends, agencies, etc. and determination from yourself, makes things for you alot easier.

I got to this place of peace NOW in my life because I stood my ground during the storm and now, that storm has passed, and life for me is easy sailing. There's nothing standing in my way of giving to the world, what God gave to me, a voice to speak to a society of hurting people.

As you press through this difficult time in your life of doubt and or fear of what life has for you, know that it won't be easy at first. But the more steps you climb, the closer you'll be to your freedom and your future.

BREAK THE SILENCE!!

Someone living tomorrow is waiting on you to make a difference today!

NEW BEGINNINGS

Yesturday? No, think about today! Life for you has just begun and you still have time to pick up whatever pieces of your life that were broken and began a new beginning for yourself! A dear friend of mine reminded me today to let go of the painful memories or "holidays" that should be now washed away as just another day to me. I admit, some days are harder to forget than others, especially those memories of happier times that outweighed the darkest nights/mornings you shared with an abusive partner and or spouse. But each difficult day that goes by, rest assure you will reap the benefits of being closer to your new beginning(s) in life. Never allow those memories to be a stronghold or roadblock to the life that God intended for you to live.

There's a dream awaiting to be bought forth into this world, that you're holding inside your mind at night. A business that you've always wanted to start, a book deal waiting for you to type the first letter inorder to be published and a testimony of yours to be delivered to someone who is on the verge of giving up on their life's journey. So there's no time to think about your yesturdays......only time available to start a new beginning for yourself and those around you that depend and love you dearly.

On the day you decide to begin anew, always remember those who need that extra little push from you and BREAK THE SILENCE of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

LETTING GO OF YOUR PAST

I was reminded of how a person shouldn't be condemned because of their past mistakes. Especially if the person that hurt you has repented, matured and has a consistent lifestyle change(s) for the better. It made my heart jump at the thought of not having this person around me anymore because of what happened in the past. It's okay to guard your heart and discern what's right and wrong in any relationship, whether it's personal or professional. But don't cast a person out because of a mistake they've made, a minute, month, year or years ago.

Take hold of the moment now and inhale the blessings that God has given unto you, thus far. Embrace the promises of your future through the word of God daily. There's nothing God can do about your situation(s) until you do one thing. What is it you ask? LET GO OF IT! See that wasn't hard to do, was it? God is omniscient (have total knowledge), omnipresent(everywhere at the same time) and omnipotent (have unlimited power and authority), trust when I say, HE DOESN'T NEED YOUR HELP! While you're waiting for His guidance in the shadow of His presence, take a moment and live your life. Why stress out over what he has already promised you? There is never a reason or answer to that question. Take comfort in my words and let them be a light unto your new path in life.

Don't forget after you let go of your past and let God handle your future........BREAK THE SILENCE of Domestic Violence!